Stalling The Man...

Tomorrow Never Knows 2010: Surfer Blood + Bear in Heaven + Freelance Whales at Schubas

2010-01-15T14:33:00.004-06:00

From Time Out Chicago:

Chicagoans are a resilient breed, ordinarily unfazed by mother nature’s temper tantrums. Still, there’s no denying that the city slows down quite a bit after the holiday season. With that in mind, the folks at Schubas originally developed Tomorrow Never Knows as a crowd-drawing tactic during the year’s harshest weather. Initially a two-day event booked with local bands, the fest has now expanded to five nights while incorporating the new Lincoln Hall–Schubas’ sleeker, bigger brother.

TNK’s name hints at the brimming potential of the bands it features, and last night’s lineup of buzz-baiting troupes definitely fit the bill. Opening the night was local quartet Lasers And Fast And Shit, pounding out punk and metal influenced tunes amidst impenetrable layers of fog. Bear in Heaven followed, trudging through minacious prog-rock jams steeped in ’80s synth-pop. Sporting a Grateful Dead shirt, John Philpot howled along to resonant percussion, demonstrating why critics have lauded the group’s ability to envelop listeners in a dense blanket of sound. Before finishing the set with “You Do You,” Philpot confirmed that the group would play Pitchfork this summer, though he was abruptly corrected by his guitarist’s “maybe.”

Next up, Frenchkiss Records five-piece orc-pop group Freelance Whales cycled through an assortment of instruments as if they were one-time use disposables while performing with almost too-cute glee. Their upcoming cymbal and accordion-fueled March release will probably garner some attention, especially among current Los Campesinos! fans.

Headlining the evening was the excellent Florida troupe Surfer Blood, whose beach-soaked tunes leave traces of Weezer alt-pop and west coast surf-rock in their wake. Plus, you have to admire a group of youngsters who confidently announce to the audience that “This first song we’re about to play is about how sometimes you have to wake up in a pool of your own vomit,” and “life is too short to tune your guitar.” Besides a hilarious cowbell stand snafu (it kept falling over), the youngsters shredded through jams like “Swim (To Reach the End)” and “Twin Peaks” with poise uncommon for their age. Yet, when it was time to wrap up the set, Surfer Blood did so in a flurry of instrument-chucking and headfirst drum kit-diving. What else do you expect from a bunch of kids who recorded an album in their dorm room?

The best albums of 2009: #20 - #11

2009-12-23T15:57:00.012-06:00

2009. Wow, what a year. It was filled with ups and downs. An amazing yet cash-strapped summer and dozens of shows kept me pretty busy. I felt like I made the most of it. So, before 2010 brings bigger and better things, I thought I'd reminisce about some great music I heard this past year. A lot of time was spent on this list, so I hope you enjoy it. Here we go.

Stalling The Man's Best Albums of 2009

#20: Discovery - LP

I don't like R&B. Referred to as "rap and bullshit" by members of Wu-Tang Clan, I find R&B's sexy crooning a bit cloying for my taste. The-Dream and 88 Keys released good albums this year, but they're not my style. However, Discovery managed to conceal their take on R&B under so much quirky electro that I found myself enjoying it. The album contains some duds, but the highs are energizing. Not bad for a Vampire Weekend and Ra Ra Riot spinoff project.
Discovery - "So Insane"

#19: Vee Dee - Public Mental Health System

This Chicago psych-influenced protopunk trio speeds through buzzy, distorted and fuzzed-out numbers with aptitude and attitude. Vee Dee took the jam-session approach when recording this expansive double album. After seeing the trio's live show, I can see how that approach influenced the band’s dense, measured and tempo-altering collection of songs. Rockin'.

Vee Dee - "Glimpses Of Another World"

#18: Fool's Gold - Fool's Gold

When the Vampire Weekend backlash began, it also opened the floodgates for bashing on afropop. Too bad, because it was a good year for the genre. Maybe I was so sheltered in my suburban youth that these African melodies seem exciting, but I don't seem to care about that. Amadou & Mariam's album is on everyone's list this year, but Welcome To Mali was already released internationally in 2008 when I first heard it. The Very Best also released a great album, but Fool's Gold just managed to edge it out in my opinion. Also, "Surprise Hotel" was one of my favorite videos of 2009.

Fool's Gold - "Surprise Hotel"

#17: DJ/rupture & Matt Shadetek - Solar Life Raft

NYC DJ Jace Clayton (aka DJ/rupture) made a name for himself by collecting piles of critical acclaim while simultaneously keeping the ass shaking on the dance floor. It isn’t a secret how he did it either. It was wheelbarrows of talent and a strong determination to remain eclectic at all costs. Critics have lauded his ability to integrate sleepy basslines, jerky keys, crisp instrumental samples, and a plethora of other melodies into sets without coming off as bombastic. Last year's Uproot was excellent, and I found DJ/rupture's 2009 collaboration with Matt Shadetek almost as impressive.
DJ/rupture & Matt Shadetek - "Blue Night"

#16: The Smith Westerns - The Smith Westerns

Chicago troupe The Smith Westerns dishes out warm, lo-fi ‘60s rock in globs of fuzzed-out goodness. Lo-fi is big right now, but it's exciting to see it pulled off in such a lively manner. I fully expect to see these too-young-to-drink rockers rip it up at Pitchfork Music Fest in 2010.

The Smith Westerns - "Be My Girl"

#15: Art Brut - Art Brut vs. Satan

This crew of eccentric indie punk rockers knows how to have a good time. Spiked with oddball first-person narrative numbers, Art Brut vs. Satan is great for a quick pick-me-up and a chuckle to boot. I think my roommate is the only person alive who can't get down to this album.

Art Brut - "The Passenger"

#14: Speech Debelle - Speech Therapy

Speech Debelle, welcome to the big leagues. After her debut album won the 2009 Mercury Prize for UK’s best album, the London rapper was briskly catapulted into stardom overseas. Success should also follow her across the Atlantic once the Visa and label problems that stalled her American tour are ironed out. Sure, Corynne Elliot’s rhyming as Speech Debelle is a bit mild in comparison to what Vibe and XXL readers are used to, but if the extraordinarily overrated slow-as-molasses talk-rap of The Streets can gain an audience here, Debelle should have no problem. With well-paced, velvety rhymes buttressing lively instrumentation, Speech Therapy yields affecting tracks that avoid sounding despondent. There’s no mention of drive-bys or Cristal, but Debelle brims with so much authenticity and talent, not much can break her stride.

Speech Debelle - "The Key"

#13: The xx - xx

The xx’s self-titled debut has notched one positive review after another. This London-based group originally started out as a quartet, but recently saw one of its members leave due to exhaustion from touring. Hopefully, this won’t hamper the seductively wispy crooning and burgeoning melodies that make The xx so brain-burrowing. Amidst sparsely filled tracks, these UK youngsters somehow manage to lay out the foundations for contagious numbers that don’t sound quite like dance floor anthems or rock club cuts, yet wouldn’t be out of place at either locale. Patient, swelling gems teeming with hypnotic vitriol tease the ear buds before waning and lapping you up like the tide receding back to shore. Sure, The xx is treading in new, exciting territory. Yet, you’ll be so preoccupied with these kids snagging their razor-sharp hooks on you to dwell too much on the substance of tracks steeped in ennui and sexual cupidity.
The xx - "Crystalised"

#12: Kid Cudi - Man On The Moon: The End Of Day

Who knew that Kid Cudi would turn out to be one of 2009’s biggest surprises? After the relentless club onslaught of Crookers’ “Day n Nite” remix, I was ready to dismiss the Kanye prodigy as a one-trick party rapper. Yet, the (better) original version was followed up by an impressively contrived debut album. Man on the Moon: The End of Day did draw some flak from critics, while others praised it for flashing offbeat brilliance (Spin). All in all, I appreciated its fantastical aura, opulent beats, and low-key infectiousness. Cudi’s diaristic, self-undervaluing lyrics contrast refreshingly with the lupine boasting I’ve become accustomed to in the rap genre. While most of the album sounds like it’s lurking in tenbrosity, upbeat numbers (“CuDi Zone,” “Up Up & Away”) glimmer like sunlight bursting through the cloudy skies. Not many other 2009 albums managed to capture that feeling so well.
Kid Cudi - "Soundtrack 2 My Life"

#11: Cymbals Eat Guitars - Why There Are Mountains

This album explodes with a cathartic release and then guides you along a mountainous path marked by echoing chasms and towering, exultant choruses. Thuds and fuzz fade in and out during songs, placed there with impeccable assuredness. Why There Are Mountains is big-guitar indie rock in top form.
Cymbals Eat Guitars - "And The Hazy Sea"

#10 - #1 out next week!

Live review: Hey Champ + French Horn Rebellion + A&R at Lincon Hall

2009-12-21T13:06:00.001-06:00

It's been a good year for Hey Champ. The band has gone from deejaying at Moonshine in late 2008 to ripping it up at Lollapalooza this summer. The arena-focused synth-rock trio has come a long way. Even before Kid Cudi ripped off their video of "Cold Dust Girl" with "Pursuit Of Happiness" the Chicago-by-way-of Rockford troupe was doing well for itself. Initially, Lupe Fiasco signed them to his 1st and 15th label and took them on tour, which led to gigs with The Sounds and Cudi. After some label issues, Hey Champ re-adjusted with the hopes of hitting it big in indie fashion. Last Thursday night, the group dropped in on Chicago's swankiest new music venue flashing dance pop dexterity and reassuring poise.

Opening the night was local electro-infused pop duo A&R, which brought along a drummer for its live set. Though A&R delivered slick grooves with gusto, its stock of The Bravery-nodding cuts was also filled with plenty of empty calories. The addition of a bass player could really enhance the group's sound.

Next up was Milwaukee duo French Horn Rebellion, who sprinted through a danceable set of, surprise, electro-pop. The twosome has some serious cred under its belt after studying music at Northwestern and producing MGMT's Time To Pretend EP. It was fun watching the hirsute twosome horseplay around the stage with brimming energy. However, there's plenty of time to jump off speakers and run up to the balcony with a french horn when actually playing instruments is a secondary concern. Though fun, FHR's performance was one of the sparest I have seen in recent memory.

By contrast, it was refreshing to see Hey Champ's instrument-shredding deftness. The trio got the crowd going early when Saam Hagshenas proclaimed that "We've been to Brazil, New York--but there's no better feeling than having our neighbors watch us play." The troupe relied heavily on new material from their March-scheduled album debut to get the booties shaking, and did so with swagger. "So American" was received well, and at one point Jon Marks rebounded well when his drumstick stuck to a cymbal in truly bizarre fashion. Continuing the lively banter, Saam quipped "We played this one at Lollapalooza. No big deal." and reaffirmed the troupe's love for the Chi when he said "We know how much you suffer in the winter, but the summer 's worth it." Of course, "Cold Dust Girl" killed, but the band decided to go with "Shake" to wrap up the evening. All in all, it was a solid performance, and Hey Champ shouldn't encounter too many obstacles on its way to stardom with so much fodder littering the electro-pop genre.

This week's swanky Chicago events

2009-12-16T13:44:00.008-06:00

Here's my weekly newsletter for AskMen.com, which comes out every Thursday. Sing up here. Make sure it's the Chicago edition.

Mangalitsa dinner
The Bristol
2152 N. Damen Ave.
773-862-5555
December 21st
7 p.m., $125 prix fixe dinner

Blackbird
619 W. Randolph St.
312-715-0708
Throughout January
$115 seven-course dinner

Early in November, Chicago Reader reported on a mad dash by some of the city’s biggest restaurants to purchase rare wooly hogs from an organic farm in downstate Illinois. The lard-fattened pigs were originally imported from Austria at tremendous expense and are coveted for their juicy, marbled meat. After several trips south, Chicago’s culinary big-shots are now beginning to offer Mangalitsa pig dinners. The Bristol’s Chris Pandel has scheduled his for the 21st. If you can’t score a spot, Blackbird’s Mike Sheerin will be offering $115 seven-course meals throughout January.

Touch
1622 W. Belmont Ave.
773-883-8888
Grand opening December 19th

Remember when bars still had payphones? Hell, some of them still do. That's definitely not the case at Touch, the self-proclaimed “iBar” opening up this weekend in Lakeview. This techie haven offers touch-screen tables that can be used to order drinks, message other booths, and provide input on the music playlist. They'll even bring out your inner nerd with a game of virtual “Spin the Bottle.” For those who are hopelessly dependent on Google, ordering via the bartender software also allows patrons to utilize a drink search engine. Touch is sure to take “drunk texting” to a whole new level.

Lobby Lounge
150 W. Roosevelt Rd.
Opens December 16th

Jerry Kleiner's middle name might as well be “Upscale.” Recently, the man behind showy restaurants Carnivale, Gioco, and Red Light has focused on remodeling the prevalent airport terminal layout found in most movie theaters. Setting up shop in South Loop's Kerasotes Theaters, Kleiner's swanky Lobby Lounge will serve up wine, top-shelf drinks, and a myriad of small plates amid flush décor. You'll want to stop in even without catching a flick.

Found Footage Festival
Lakeshore Theater
3175 N. Broadway
December 18th: 7:30 p.m.
December 18th: 10:30 p.m.
$12

Garbage can be funny. Comedians Nick Prueher and Joe Pickett know this. After unearthing a hilarious 1991 clip filmed in a McDonald's break room, they began collecting videos found in the trash, garage sales, and a myriad of odd locales. Now, these South By Southwest Film Festival winners have hit the road to share their absurd finds with America. Expect grocery store training vids, terrible Saturday morning cartoons, and a lot of laughs.

Odd things my sailor friend said, Vol. 3

2009-12-08T15:24:00.005-06:00

I had a friend from the Navy visit la casa de Raf this summer. I knew something was going to go down, so I brought along my trusty voice recorder for most of the week's shenanigans. I recorded a lot of odd quotes. Here are some gems:

Roomie: I've never seen this before. I texted this girl “Tug my shit.” So, she texted me back with...
Sailor: A cock.
Roomie: No, not a cock. Well, yeah, a cock. It was a penis with sperm going on titties. I shit you not, this is art work.
Sailor: How did this bitch do this?
Roomie: I was surprised, but she's 19, she's creative, has a young mind... [Everyone laughs.]
Sailor: Oh my God, there it is. And she wrote 'Ohh yeaayyuuhh.' What, is she Rick Ross? [Pee-in-your-pants laughter.]

I bet 40% of her body fat has to be in that bra.

I'd eat a mile of her shit to find out where it came from.

She kept spitting on it over and over and over again. Jesus Christ, I had more spit on my dick than I had dick on my dick. The lady was awesome. And then she swallowed.

I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to go get a gun, I'm going to come back, and I'm going to fuck you.

Live review: Arctic Monkeys + Screaming Females at Riviera Theater

2009-12-07T15:12:00.004-06:00

From Time Out Chicago:

Not long after the massively hyped 2006 release of Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not, it looked as if Arctic Monkeys were primed for a swift and smoldering descent in popularity. After all, no one expected four teens from Sheffield to top their first, the fastest-selling debut in Brit history. Like many a hyped Brit pop band before them, the Monkeys were expected to vanish. Yet, the quartet managed to stay the course and mum many critics with two respectable follow-up albums, cultivating a massive following in the process. If burning out is in their future, it isn’t on the horizon just yet. Especially not during the American leg of their current tour in support of Humbug.

Kicking off the show in the somewhat antiquated confines of the Riv was New Jersey’s punk-influenced basement rock trio Screaming Females. Until recently, the troupe called New Brunswick’s DIY music scene its stomping grounds. Nowadays, it’s building buzz after shout-outs from New York Magazine and Sound Opinions, as well as opening slots for the Dead Weather and Dinosaur Jr. Anchored by pint-sized Marissa Paternoster’s howling pipes, the rockers propelled through a short set of psych-sodden and riff-heavy chuggers. Though the group still seems more comfortable playing in an intimate setting (like Ronny’s), the Females have energy to spare and can deliver a solid performance pretty much anywhere.

Due to some serious tinkering from the sound crew, Arctic Monkeys squeezed more oomph out of the speakers—much to the delight of a young, bro-peppered crowd. With the help of some puissant strobe lights, “Brainstorm” sent the crowd into a frenzy and maintained the raucousness through “I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor.” Though the band didn’t engage in much banter, Alex Turner did remark “We’re a fan of Nick Cave” and was bolstered with applause. Turner’s seesawing vocals carried well in the venue, unhampered by the cheap swill he was downing from a 40-ouncer (it looked like a King Cobra). The scoffing Brit-rockers reemerged with “If You Were There, Beware” for the encore and wrapped up the night with “505.” Though the Arctic Monkeys have yet to improve on their debut effort, their fan base continues to grow with each album. Last night’s gig was proof that they’ve outlasted the hype.

See photos from the night here.

Live review: King Khan & BBQ Show + Those Darlins at LSA

2009-12-03T13:39:00.003-06:00

From Time Out Chicago:

People used to make a big deal about The White Stripes and how much noise the pasty duo could pound out. Nowadays, it seems as if garage rock duos are the bands du jour. Wavves, Japandroids, No Age, and The Big Pink are just a few of the fresh twosomes enjoying massive blog-fueled buzz. Yet, for all their musical sleight, none of these bands can quite compete with the onstage moxie of the King Khan & BBQ Show. After all, it’s easy to become captivated by Marc “BBQ” Sultan’s turban-topped garb and Arish “King” Khan’s blue wig and skimpy dress getup. The duo’s blender-churned puree of garage rock, soul, punk, R&B, and doo wop is fetching even without the theatrics. However, for all the hype this troupe’s live show garners, it seemed as if the Logan Square Auditorium’s crowd sampled a low-carb version last night.

Opening the night was the Tennessee-based troupe Those Darlins, whose genre-sampling country-tinged spunk rock impressed. Composed of three cute bare-armed guitar-ripping ladies and a guy drummer, the band did a very nice job of sharing the mic and mixing it up with a myriad of influences. They even had a suspenders-toting guy jump up on stage and get down to one of the songs.

Getting arrested in Kentucky last month might have toned down the usual microphone-between-the-butt cheeks hokum expected by many from King Khan. But even a subdued KK & BBQ easily got LSA’s crowd doing the floor-shake boogie early on in the set with “Fish Fry” and some light moshing with “Zombies.” The Canucks’ elephantine riffs even got the crowd slow dancing and amped up a fawnish redhead named “Kristy” enough to jump up on the stage to shimmy next to King Khan. The highlight was undoubtedly the penultimate number “Tastebuds.” For all the hype I heard about this jam’s raucous refrains, it still didn’t quite prepare me for the hilarity of witnessing a cross-dressing rocker sing “So I can taste up inside your butt.”

Here are the night's photos.

Odd things my sailor friend said, Vol. 2

2009-12-01T13:33:00.002-06:00

I had a friend from the Navy visit la casa de Raf this summer. I knew something was going to go down, so I brought along my trusty voice recorder for most of the week's shenanigans. I recorded a lot of odd quotes. Here are some (more) gems:

"You're telling me you wouldn't suck her daddy's dick just to find out where that fucking drop came from? She is fucking hot as shit."

[Reciting Polish words he knows] "Szmata, kielbasa, kurwa, pierogi..."

"They're not that nice, but they are huge. Hey, gravity's got to have an effect on something with that much mass. Good God. Those things probably weigh as much as my ass. Huge tits. Oh, and big nipples to match, which is weird. Her nipples were huge. But not, like, circular. They were long. [Laughs]."

"Hell, I'll have sex with a snickers wrapper an a rubber band."

[Myself at the dinner table during a wedding] "I roll so hard boulders get jealous."

Odd things my sailor friend said, Vol. 1

2009-11-25T11:21:00.003-06:00

I had a friend from the Navy visit la casa de Raf this summer. I knew something was going to go down, so I brought along my trusty voice recorder for most of the week's shenanigans. I recorded a lot of odd quotes. Here are some gems:

"Hey, I like your hair. Want to get gang-banged by four dudes you don't know? I got condoms... Not!"

"My dad doesn't say shit, but when he does, you better shut up because it's either really important or fucking hilarious."

"What I did say was, “Oh, let's just be safe.” What I wanted to say was, “I don't know where that broke pussy's been.”

"Why waste a good buzz, bro?"

"I'll bet you $20 that girl can jack me off for half an hour and I'm not going to bust a nut. I've never had a girl stroke me off. The only girl that ever got me off with a blow job was ___. She could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. That bitch could suck paint off a wall. Her husband is a smart guy, because that girl fucked around like she was getting paid to do it."

Chicago cuts

2009-11-24T21:44:00.002-06:00

From Remix Galaxy:

There’s not a lot of info out there on Jams Dean, but I like what I’ve gleaned so far. A newcomer to the Chicago rap scene, the rhyme-spitter’s flow seems to roll along at a languidly measured pace while avoiding sounding fatigued. His sound fits somewhere in between chilled-out slacker rap and in-your-face club rap. In addition to playing the drums and drawing, Jams also has a knack for fusing together mashups. His most noteworthy jam is definitely the mashup of “Chicago Girls” and The xx’s “Heart Skipped A Beat,” which transforms into a delicate yet invigorating track. Though anyone can enjoy this catchy number, Chicagoans will get a kick out of the shout-outs to Kid Sister, Debonair Social Club, and girls with fixed-gear bikes and weird tattoos who roll their own cigarettes. Jams Dean’s mixtape will be dropping on December 11th, and he’ll be performing that night at the Weirder Park grimy party-ripper space (1539 N. Damen). Remember, never trust a trick from Columbus, OH.

Jams Dean vs. The xx - “Chicago Girls”

This week's Chicago events

2009-11-20T11:08:00.006-06:00

I got a gig writing for AskMen.com (yeah, I know). My Chicago newsletter comes out every Thursday, and you can sign up for it here: http://www.askmen.com/newsletter/signup.php. Check it out.

CUNA KEEPS IT CASUAL
Why? Because Kendall Duque is the king of eclectic.
In just under two years at West Loop's Sepia, Kendal Duque catapulted himself from relative unknown to acclaimed chef. While he's set on opening his own cutting-edge restaurant in the near future, impatient foodies can catch him whipping up contemporary Americana cuisine and Mediterranean-inspired plates at Lakeview's soon-to-open Cuna. The Art Deco-styled restaurant-slash-lounge will feature dishes like braised beef short ribs with celery root puree and almonds, as well as chickpea pancakes with laughing bird shrimp and green zucchini. Best of all, you won't find anything on the menu over $16. Expect an opening mid-November, and a loungey atmosphere (with DJs) on weekends. We love a place where you want to to stay for drinks (note the plural).
Cuna
1113 W. Belmont Ave.
PHONE: 312-224-8588
SITE: www.cunasupperclub.com

SPROUT: THE RETURN
Why? Because green isn't always the color of money.
When Lincoln Park's much-anticipated Sprout was originally gearing up for its opening, it showcased an ambitious all-organic menu and pricey entrées that topped out at $120. Unfortunately for the restaurant, the economy didn't bounce back and the menu was scrapped for an emphasis on lower-priced plates. After closing for a short time to realign, Sprout reopened last Friday with Season 3 Top Chef finalist Dave Levitski at the helm. Now, the green eatery's emphasis is on prix-fixe, French-American-based items.
Location:
1417 W. Fullerton Ave.
773-348-0706
Re-opened November 13th

CERES' TABLE
Why? Because uptown guys needed a spot like this.
Ceres has her own statue atop the Chicago Board of Trade, and now she has her own Chicago restaurant too. Named after the Roman goddess of agriculture, Chef Guiseppe Scurato's European-influenced spot will undoubtedly bait some welcome buzz to its Uptown neighborhood. Opening sometime this week in the former Monticchio space, Ceres' Table flashes a seasonal menu featuring locally grown ingredients and dishes like country-style paté with pork and Sicilian pistachios.
Location:
4882 N. Clark St.
773-878-4882
Opens this week

BAKIN' AND EGGS
Why? Because the mimosa is the true Sunday sacrament.
What's not to love about brunch? An amalgam of tasty breakfast and lunch items seems to win over just about everyone, no matter how picky. Expect that and more from Bakin' and Eggs, the cute-yet-classy swank comfort food spot opening in Lakeview today (November 19). If bacon-encrusted Gouda mac-and-cheese, banana bread French toast and a stocked coffee bar doesn't get you excited, you might have to check for a pulse.
Location:
3120 N. Lincoln Ave.
773-525-7005
SITE: www.bakinandeggschicago.com

The Specials. Rude boys. Dancehall. Awesomeness!

2009-11-18T11:13:00.002-06:00

From Remix Galaxy:

Amidst UK’s racially fueled tension and wafting anomie, The Specials decided they were tired of punk and harnessed some Jamaican dancehall flavor to ignite the music charts. The mulit-cultural second-wave ska troupe’s 1979 debut album (The Specials) served as a soundtrack for all the rebelliously integrated “rude boys” sporting thin ties, sleek suits, and porkpie hats. For many people, the band was the personification of cool. The successful release of The Specials also allowed Jerry Dammers to launch his seminal 2-Tone label. Most likely, Gwen Stefani & the gang wouldn’t be touring around the world and raking in millions if it weren’t for 2-Tone paving the road all those years prior. Since The Specials (well, a scaled-down version) are touring the UK again, I figured it was a good time to post a remix courtesy of San Francisco’s DJG.

The Specials - “Ghost Town (DJG dubstep remix"

Wu-Tang still going strong

2009-11-16T13:42:00.002-06:00

From Remix Galaxy:

A hardcore mythology-fueled hip-hop debut featuring a soccer team of rappers rhyming about kung fu, chess, Nation of Islam ideology, comic books, and a myriad of other topics isn’t supposed to make it big. Somehow it did, spawning a number of satellite groups, a commercial empire and a loyal international following in the process. Sixteen years after the release of Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), the group is still going strong. In fact, an entire dubstep tribute album was just released in tribute to the Staten Island crew titled Wu-Tang Meets The Indie Culture Vol. 2: Enter The Dubstep. How many other rappers do you know of have sixteen-year careers and tribute albums? Not too many. So, in honor of the Killa Bees, make sure to bump this jam when you’re out partying this weekend. It’s a shockingly catchy mashup of Warren Zevon’s “Werevolves of London” and Wu-Tang’s “Da Mystery Of Chessboxin’”.

Warren Zevon vs. Wu-Tang Clan - “Werewolves Of Chessboxin’ (ELLIOT Scratch mix)

Blankin' it in

2009-11-12T12:15:00.003-06:00

From Remix Galaxy:

Philly’s Amanda Blank may not be the most talented MC around, but she oozes attitude thicker than peanut butter. The saucy lady’s mixture of Diplo-produced brat-rap and clubby drunk-pop does offer some short-lived fun. However, her debut album (I Love You) seems strangled by misfired attempts at feminist swagger, oft-crass delivery, and low-rent hooks that generally fail to imbue. Though it’ll take a lot of work for Blank to approach the talent level of someone like M.I.A., or even the Ting-Tings for that matter, she does display flashes of prowess. Perhaps the folks over at Discopunk have noticed as well, because they’ve dished out several tasty remixes that really spice up Blank’s jams. Check them out:

Amanda Blank - “Shame On Me (Toadally Krossed Out remix)”

Amanda Blank - “Shame On Me (Viking remix)”

Amanda Blank - “Shame On Me (Yuksek remix)"

It's raining hood

2009-11-10T10:37:00.004-06:00

From RemixGalaxy:

Also, check out my interview with The Hood Internet at Gapers Block.

Every time The Hood Internet drops a new mixtape, it’s like Christmas for their fans. If you’re not familiar with the dynamic production duo, then you have been missing out on some of the best party music around. In the vein of Girl Talk, Steve Reidell (STV SLV) and Aaron Brink (ABX) have garnered a huge and loyal following by deftly crafting mixtapes crammed with indie rock and hip-hop mashups. Yet, the duo’s mixes are much more hooky and accessible due to an emphasis on fluidity rather than spazziness. By utilizing fresh, blog-worthy tunes and a dash of Photoshop prowess The Hood Internet’s website has dished out over one million downloads. With that kind of cred, it’s no wonder the mashup masterminds were signed up to preform at this summer’s Lollapalloza to a huge, booty-shakin’ crowd. This morning, The Mixtape Volume Four was released for your (free) listening pleasure. Though every THI mixtape is excellent, the duo has probably released their strongest effort since Volume Two. With unfuckwithable, contagiously catchy tracks like “Two Weeks Of Hip Hop (Dead Prez vs Grizzly Bear)” and “Good Ol’ Fashion Rump Shaker (The Beastie Boys vs Matt And Kim),” this mixtape is hotter than a stolen tamale.

The Hood Internet - The Mixtape Volume Four

Track list:
1. Intro
2. David Banner vs Fujiya & Miyagi - Get Like Pterodactyls
3. The Beastie Boys vs Matt And Kim - Good Ol’ Fashion Rump Shaker
4. Kanye West vs Cage & Aviary - Touch The Television
5. Lil Wayne (feat. Babyface) vs Royksopp - Comfortable Up Here
6. Passion Pit vs Juvenile - Back That Sleepyhead Up
7. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince vs Daft Punk - Summer Circuit
8. Public Enemy vs HEALTH vs Nosaj Thing - Bring The Tabloid Sores
9. AZ (feat. Ghostface) vs The Golden Filter - Solid Gold From New York
10. Modest Mouse vs Kanye West - Floating Paranoia
11. Clipse vs Yuksek - Kinda Like A Big Break
12. Weezer vs Glass Candy - Buddy Holly’s Imagination
13. Bangers & Cash vs Bag Raiders - Bang Raiders
14. Amanda Blank vs VEGA - No Reasons To Like You Better
15. Michael Jackson vs Ratatat - Billie “Wildcat” Jean
16. Kid Sister (feat. Pitbull) vs Phonat - Free Control Ocho
17. Twista (feat. Erika Shevon) vs Boys Noize - Wetter And Jeffer
18. Flo Rida (feat. Ke$ha) vs MSTRKRFT - 1000 Times Right Round
19. R. Kelly (feat. Keri Hilson) vs Sally Shapiro - Number One Christmas
20. Drake vs The Rapture - Best Jealous Lover I Ever Had
21. Bon Iver vs Friendly Fires vs Aeroplane - Lump Sum Of Paris
22. Jeremih vs Handsome Furs - Birthday Furs
23. Yung LA vs Solid Gold - Who Ain’t I Gonna Run To?
24. Major Lazer (feat. Santigold) vs Dirty Projectors - Hold The Stillness
25. Dead Prez vs Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks Of Hip Hop
26. Soulja Boy vs Joe Jackson - Swaggin’ Out
27. OJ Da Juiceman (feat. Gucci Mane) vs Discovery - Make The Loop Aye
28. Glasses Malone vs Chromatics - A Moment To Remember Haterz
29. Paper Route Gangstaz vs Animal Collective - Animals Collecting Money
30. B-Hamp vs Little Boots - Ricky Bobby Boots
31. Ghostface Killah vs Beirut - Save Me Concubine
32. Keri Hilson vs The Glitch Mob/TVOTR - Red Dress Turnin Me On
33. Dorrough vs Bibio - Fire Ant Paint Job
34. Outro

La rockin'

2009-11-09T10:17:00.004-06:00

From RemixGalaxy:

I’ve already written about UK’s hottest ’80s synth-pop revivalist, but perhaps I was a bit ahead of the curve. La Roux has been steadily growing in popularity for the past several months, especially here in the U.S. Part of the reason for the burgeoning buzz is her current North American tour, though she did irk some fans for postponing her Chicago show. Regardless, there’s no denying that there has been a flood of the ginger lady’s remixes hitting music blogs and clubs everywhere. There’s just something about La Roux’s algid, fawnish ten-story voice that attracts attention nearly as much as that caught-in-a-hurricane haircut. All the while, the voice’s intrigue doesn’t inhibit its malleability. Case in point: London’s Boy 8-Bit’s remix manages to seamlessly meld steel drum into “Quicksand,” while (also) London’s Jack Beats adds precious piano strokes and irritatingly bouncy beats usually found on a junglist’s iPod. Not surprisingly, it still works either way.

La Roux - “Quicksand (Boy 8-Bit remix)”

La Roux - “Little Secrets (Jack Beats remix)”

Shweatin'

2009-11-03T11:34:00.002-06:00

Let’s get this out of the way: Shwayze just isn’t very good. The Malibu-based rapper’s songs are a basically a faux-diaristic collection of ersatz, rote dunk-pop numbers trying oh-so-hard to be labeled as rap. Still, none of that seems to bother his fans, who apparently pay attention enough to keep launching his singles onto the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Either that or it’s the TMZ-baiting shenanigans of his cohort Cisco Adler, who’s known around Hollywood for party-hopping and dating Kimberly Stewart (yup, Rod’s daughter). We’re sure all the coverage from starring in a brain-numbing MTV show (Buzzin’) helps as well. The most surprising part about all this is that no matter how lame Shwayze’s new single Get You Home is, it still has potential when put in capable hands. Check out the versions by Italy’s The Bloody Beetroots and Brooklyn’s Alan Wilkis to hear for yourself. It’s like putting your dog’s medicine in a spoonful of peanut butter.

Shwayze - “Get U Home (Alan Wilkis remix)”

Shwayze - “Get U Home (The Bloody Beetroots)”

Quick hit: Monday tune

2009-11-02T11:15:00.002-06:00

I've been listening to this jam all weekend. It's pretty great, so you should listen to it as well. Amadou & Mariam are going to end up on plenty of "Top 10 Best Albums" lists this year, though in reality their album was released internationally last year. They're blind. They're from Mali. They play globally-influenced Afropop. They're fantastic. Enjoy.

Halloween Mix by Fever Ray

2009-10-30T13:11:00.004-05:00

From my Remix Galaxy blog:

Fever Ray (aka Karin Elisabeth Dreijer Andersson) is known for working with her brother in the seminal electro-pop duo The Knife, but has recently been touring under her solo moniker. It’s not surprising she decided to branch out on her own a bit, as she has already lent her steely, celestial, never incongruous voice to several Röyksopp tracks (with fantastic results). However, the mix she provided for Resident Advisor proves to be a real treat. Fever Ray manages to channel all of The Knife’s spookiness (excluding the visceral, passionate “Heartbeats“, of course) and actually amps it up a bit. So, a mix with Yo La Tengo and Neil Young starting things off is quite the surprise.

Tracks:

01. Neil Young - Guitar Solo 1
02. Yo La Tengo - Everyday
03. Journey To Ixtlan - Corpse On The Mesa
04. Jad & David Fair - Nosferatu
05. Zola Jesus - Devil Take You
06. Bruce Haack - Mean Old Devil
07. Krause - Duo Canopolis
08. Burial Hex - Will To Chapel
09. Suicide - Ghost Rider
10. Amadou & Miriam - Ja Pense À Toi
11. Shackleton - Death Is Not Final
12. Entombed - Night Of The Vampire
13. Maddalena Fagandini - Interval Signals
14. Burundi: Musiques Traditionnelles - Chant Avec Cithare

[Download] Fever Ray Halloween Mix

The U.S. military's top 10 torture songs

2009-10-27T14:30:00.003-05:00

From the guardian.co.uk article:

The US military's torture top 10

It is perhaps the grimmest musical chart ever assembled. Mother Jones, a left-wing American news magazine known for its investigative reporting this week compiled a "chart" of the music used in US military prisons to "to induce sleep deprivation, prolong capture shock, disorient detainees during interrogations - and also drown out screams."

The so-called "torture playlist" is based on a leaked interrogation log, news reports, and the accounts of soldiers and detainees. Personally, I pray that there isn't a British equivalent.

The top 10 -

1. Fuck Your God - Deicide

2. Die MF Die - Dope

3. Take Your Best Shot - Dope

4. White America - Eminem

5. Kim - Eminem

6. Barney Theme Song - Barney the Dinosaur

7. Bodies - Drowning Pool

8. Enter Sandman - Metallica

9. Meow Mix TV Commercial - Meow Meow Meow

10. Sesame Street TV Theme

An interview with Yea Big + Kid Static

2009-10-26T12:58:00.002-05:00

If you've been partying it up around town (especially Wicker Park) this summer, then you probably ran into Kid Static. You may not have known it at the time, but he's been pretty much everywhere, including the ridiculous semi-secret Mr. Tastees Popup Jam parties. This summer, KS invaded The Mae Shi's stage at Pitchfork Festival along with his partner-in-crime Yea Big, and played a sweet Hideout show with The Hood Internet (among other gigs). I interviewed the duo, and you can check it out over at Remix Galaxy. So, head on over:

Yea Big + Kid Static interview

Live review: Rain Machine + Kyp Malone's beer farts @ Double Door

2009-10-21T13:06:00.002-05:00

From the TOC blog:

The Double Door seldom books the caliber of artists it deserves—often falling back on anonymous bar circuit bookings that draw a brew-buying crowd. But it boasts a convention crotch-friendly location, features three bars (one’s on a balcony), and truth be told, the drinks could be more expensive. So I was excited to see Kyp Malone roll into the Double Door Saturday night with a whiff of star power and a bus full of hair care products for Rain Machine’s live show. While Malone delivered what I predicted to be a captivating performance, the live show also differed noticeably from Malone’s studio effort.

Of course, the Afro-ed rocker admitted as much when he first came on stage, stating that the set would be louder than the audience was used to. By the time the band dived into “Somalian Black Faces,” it was pretty clear that the backing band was contributing to the boosted energy of the show. This proved to be a shrewd move. While slower grooves like “Love Won’t Save You” showcased Malone’s mind-blowing vocal range and stamina, uptempo numbers like “Give Blood” gladly received the extra help in order to fuel the crowd’s focus through the drowsy numbers.

In between songs, Malone proved to be pleasantly loquacious. The Brooklynite asked “Do any of you want to go to Detroit tomorrow?” and later quipped “I feel all sorts of things,” when asked if he was feeling good. He even talked about how he remembered opening for The Fall at the Empty Bottle (with TV on the Radio in 2003) and added “If you’re clapping, you missed us. We sucked.” After sincerely thanking the crowd for coming out, the band finished up the night with an impressive yet prolix banjo-fueled rendition of “Winter Song.” Overall, a gratifying Rain Machine managed to buttress Malone’s puissant yet challenging belting. Never mind that die-hard TV on the Radio fans think Kyp’s beer farts sound interesting.

Opening for Rain Machine were Chicago’s noir-pop trio Reds and Blue, featuring Time Out Chicago’s Associate Music Editor Areif Sless-Kitain, and Brooklyn’s Sharon Van Etten, whose velvety voice was backed by nothing more than a candy-apple red electric guitar. Though Van Etten’s performance was graceful, the addition of talented bandmates would most likely help her take it to the next level.

Read more: http://www3.timeoutny.com/chicago/blog/out-and-about/2009/10/rain-machine-sharon-van-etten-reds-and-blue-at-double-door-live-review/#ixzz0UaptTbcl

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-10-16T15:21:00.003-05:00

This is the last one for a while, I'm sick of these. Enjoy!

**Raf's Pick** Old Canes + Pillars and Tongues + Chaperone + The Marshmallow Ghosts @ Bottom Lounge – 10/16/09 - $10
Utilizing soothing drones, raspy woodwinds, and a plethora of sounds, local experimental jazz trio Pillars and Tongues crafts psychedelic compositions that reward patience and a keen ear. Kansas folk rocker troupe Old Canes headlines.

Magas + Gatekeeper + Beau Wanzer + DJ Mike Broers @ Hideout – 10/16/09 - $7
The grinding, irksome droning of Magas headlines a night of experimental and industrial grooves.

Inn Cinema + 8 Per Second + We All Have Hands For Hooks + Seven Day Sonnet @ Abbey Pub – 10/15/09 - $8
Stodgy nu-metal outfit Inn Cinema stops by the north side hip-hop haunt, though the show isn’t even worth sneaking into.

Dance Gavin Dance + Emarosa + Of Mice and Men + Tides of Man + Of Machines @ Metro – 10/17/09
Left coast post-hardcore group Dance Gavin Dance headlines a bill of tight jeans-toting youngsters with bad haircuts screaming at the top of their lungs.

Kyp Malone making it rain

2009-10-15T14:38:00.004-05:00

Today marks the ten year anniversary of the release of Fight Club in theaters. Wow. I just realized that, so I will have something about my favorite film next week. Until then...

Kyp Malone of Brooklyn's TV on the Radio is in town Saturday. His solo project is called Rain Machine. I wrote a concert preview for Time Out Chicago, which you can check it out in this week's issue. Or here:

You can’t really consider an artist’s solo projects without looking through the lens of his previous work. That goes double for Kyp Malone, whose output with TV on the Radio and, to a lesser extent, Iran, has positioned him as present-day rock royalty. The densely packed sounds and veiled angst of last year’s TVOTR release, Dear Science, along with Iran’s newfound rocker hubris, overshadow Malone’s hazy jazz-tinged work under his Rain Machine moniker.

Though his self-titled solo debut is not without its faults, what’s most impressive about Rain Machine is Malone’s refusal to cower when the spotlight is on him. From the eccentric, crayon-colored album art down to the delicate knickknack percussion, the bearded one is in full control of this vehicle, playing nearly all of the instruments.

Malone’s weird, warbly turbo-falsetto avoids hiding beneath the layers of lo-fi hiss, infectious power-chords and driving percussion. The harmonically rich, rhythmically jerky act teems with hypnotic vitriol, the Brooklynite’s alternately booming and evaporating voice a glaze applied over fragile plickety-plick banjo and brain-burrowing riffs.

Malone likely will irk some listeners for belting on and on during some of the longer, slow-simmering numbers. Still, with minimalism yielding impressively lush soundscapes, Rain Machine hints that Malone could make a captivating record with just two tin cans and a salt shaker.

So hot right now.

2009-10-12T16:47:00.003-05:00

What's hot right now? Lots of stuff. It seems like there's always something new popping up. Sure those old Led Zep LPs are still awesome, but finding a new band that rips it up is always a rush. So, I've put together some awesome (mostly recent) music vids to check out, and maybe you'll dig some of it as much as I do.

Wavves - “No Hope Kids”
I was on the fence about Nathan William's duo for a while. It dishes out globs of muddled, lo-fi goodness. The first time I head the band's debut (Wavvves), I liked a bunch of the songs but the fuzz gave me a headche. After meeting Nathan backstage at Pitchfork and reading about how he messed up Jared from Black Lips after a show in NYC because he was talking smack about his band, I gave it another listen. Oh, and there was that onstage meltdown at the Primavera music festival in Spain. And the skateboarding accident that broke his hand, but didn't stop him from shredding it at Pitchfork. I just can't hate on someone who has so much don't-give-a-fuck bluster. So, Wavves rules. Pump it up.

Mannequin Men - “Cream Rises”
I love this band. I keep running into the band members all over town too, which is weird. Basically they're a garage rock quartet, but they're also very catchy and melodic. “Cream Rises” isn't their best song, though it's still great, but the video rules. Tanning is so 2000 and late, by the way.

La Roux - “Bulletproof”
The 80's are sooo back. This video is like the guy who directed Tron took some shrooms and hit his head on a radiator. 'Nuff said.

Speech Debelle - “The Key”
This UK artist is like The Streets, but actually has talent. She's huge across the Atlantic right now, so expect her stateside soon. With lines like “A proper attitude is better than fancy clothes,” you can't not dig this stuff. Man, did I mention how much The Streets sucks?

Peaches & Iggy Pop - “Kick It”
An oldie but goodie. One of the best music vids ever. It has zombies in bikinis. Just let it blow your mind.

Antipop Consortium - “Dead In Motion”
These guys just came through town, and their recent Flourescent Black is very tight. They remind me of Dr. Octagon a bit, so if you like that tripped-out style then you'll totally dig this. The vid is of an older song, but it's pretty cool nonetheless.

Roomie guest blogs, Vol. 1: Pooping in the club

2009-10-07T15:33:00.005-05:00

I’m here, and I’m not confused.

If you're surprised by my audacity, then you should just stuff it in your dark realm. As Raf, whom I like to call “the writing Roomie,” or on a more personal level “the Polish Rifle,” has written, I may have thrown out a few clever/stupid sayings, acts, and thoughts. But really, the question is, what the fuck are you doing still concerning yourself in what I think? I spoke with the “jolly green giant” and said, “I will fulfill your reader’s deepest fantasies by giving them a mini tour of my mind.” This will be like a fanatic of Lord of the Rings getting the chance to have sex with an Elf; Tell me you don’t want to give it to an immortal, pointy eared, elf slut. I know I do. Would I become immortal if I fucked an elf? Hmmmmmm…

If I fart, and no one is around, does it smell?

My gas is so bad my sister named her cat after me because his shit is almost as equally vile. When eating, the human body releases hormones that cause a mass peristalsis in the large intestine. Pretty much, the body moves that shit down to your stinker, and BAM!, ya gotta poo. What in my right mind compels me to have any sort of meal before going out on the town? I’ll tell you why. One, I’m broke as shit, so the more toilet paper I use at a club or bar equals less money being spent. We’re in a crisis, so fuck ya’ll. Two, you may have read “the zombie expert's” work on the intricacies of the alley systems in Chicago and the appreciation that he and I have for them. Finding the great tree hidden, garbage blocked, stairwell concealed niches of alleys is the milk and honey for our elusive beverage consumption. In the same way, various bathrooms throughout Chicago night clubs have become the milk and honey for my shitting. I have stared doorless stalls, paperless rolls, and soapless sinks straight in the brown eye, and I have prevailed! Not even the scummiest of bars has stopped the wrath of my defecation. I will go anywhere, anytime, anyplace! Wanna shit-off? BRING IT ON bitches! The biggest challenge is to defecate as quickly as possible and get the fuck out of there. In the same way you don’t want to be caught with a Cobra in an alley by a desperate bum or a fine member of the C.P.D., you really don’t want to be “that guy” at the club. It’s fun and adventurous, but you really don’t want to tell too many people about it, well, until now. My biggest piece of advice for those club shitters out there is to make sure no one sees your shoes while you’re on the john. Pull those suckers close and tight, or even shit sideways. Next thing you know, you’re macking on some fine broad at the bar, totally getting your Denzel on, and some self-righteous fuck points at your Sketchers, proclaims your shitty activities, and blows your shit cover. By the way, there is no pride in dropping off the kids in a one man bathroom. I will literally look for a “many person bathroom” so the adrenaline can really flow. Don’t be scared to shit at a club. It’ll make you a stronger person in mind and body. It’ll also give you a sense of accomplishment after, when you hear someone say, “What the fuck died in here?” Also, not washing your hands after is not cool. You’ll get the Swine Flu.

Sincerely,

Roomie

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-10-06T16:27:00.003-05:00

I bet you're getting sick of these, huh? Well I am too. Expect a significant slowdown after this week. Humor and remixes are in store.

**Raf's Pick** Screaming Females @ Ronny's - 10/8/09 - $donation
I don't know who they're playing with. Well, I can check, but I don't care. What I do know is that they're from New Jersey, Kot and DeRo (Sun-Times and Tribune critics) both like them, and THEY WILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF. Awesome. I'll see you there.

Wax Tailor @ Schubas – 10/12/09 - $14
French producer Jean-Christophe Le Saoût’s Wax Tailor weaves wax-poetic rhymes with beats slicker than a stick of butter in a hot skillet.

All That Remains + Lacuna Coil + Maylene + The Sons of Sisaster @ House of Blues – 10/7/09 - $20.50
This left coast metal quintet’s smoldering guitar riffs, breakneck percussion, and cunningly alternating vocals fuse into an oft melodic, enjoyable pummeling.

Bible of the Devil + Riotgod + Friends of Bill Wilson + Earthen Grave @ Double Door – 10/7/09 - $5
Local riling troupe Bible of the Devil hybridizes an amusingly off-kilter concoction of vein-popping metal and ‘80s cock rock anthems.

Youth Group + Other Girls + The Wiitala Brothers @ Schubas – 10/6/09 - $10
Down Under troupe Youth Group’s New Wave-tinged Brit pop jams are a welcome deviation from the recent barrage of Aussie rock bands.

Company of Thieves + This is Me Smiling + Big Science + Mike Maimone @ Logan Square Auditorium – 10/9/09 - $14
Local trio Company of Thieves makes a hometown stop on their current tour, dishing out wispy, radio-ripe gems with a side of plain pop fodder. Big Science sets the table with New Wave-y concoctions.

Ryan Montbleau Band + Caravan of Thieves @ Subterranean – 10/9/09 - $15
This aberrant zydeco-tinged group hailing from the Pacific Northwest often wades in stagnant pools of moody atmospherics and quotidian gripes, yet somehow manages to pluck enough styles and influences along the way to make it all sound somewhat arresting.

The Lovely Feathers + Lacona + Me And My Arrow @ Schubas – 10/13/09 - $10
It’s evident that Montreal’s poppy spazz rock troupe The Lovely Feathers has some chops, having toured with the likes of Metric and Man Man. However, the key for the quartet is finding a balance between its alternating quirkiness and polish, which can manifest in a song as beguiling one minute and loutish the next.

Awesomely terrible band names, Vol. 4

2009-10-02T16:00:00.003-05:00

Flame Shark
Daysleeper
Karl Rorvik and the Crafty Bastards
Fuckface Unstoppable
Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship
Dental Work
Cobra Skulls
The A Team
The Drinkners’ Union
We Were Promised Jetpacks
Johnny Murderer & The 25 To Life
Cattle Decapitation

Also, I made up some names. How fun! Do you like them?

-Yo Mama's House
-Colon Cleansers
-Gary Busey's Teeth
-Bratislava Bombers
-Beat Up Your Dad
-Death Metal Puppies
-Disco Zombies
-Sex Robots
-Pipefitters Local 134
-Jujyfruits Jihad

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-10-01T16:58:00.005-05:00

There's some good ones this weekend, including Nones, and especially Sang Des Loups. It's raining, but I might hit them up tonight.

**Raf's Pick** Sang Des Loups + Beat Beat + The Sweet Sixteens @ Ronny’s - 10/1/09 - $donation
Local quartet Sang Des Loups infuses blurry, buzzing harmonies with a healthy dose of Jagger swagger, boiling everything down to affable '60s psych rock formalism.

The Fold + Danger is my Middle Name + Dear Novel + The Fireship + Valaska @ Metro – 10/2/09 - $11
The Fold’s slick, gushy songs share many similarities with other Mountain Dew-fueled, tooth-aching emo-pop brethren. However, it’s the tactfully restrained shredding and tidy vocals that makes them somewhat easy to swallow.

Signal Path + Prep School @ Subterranean – 10/3/09 - $12 Montana’s biggest electronic duo (are there others?) transmits hooky rhythms and ambient sounds that often range from jangly to jazzy.

Destroyer 666 + The Chasm + Kommandant – 10/1/09 Though its name is cornier than Iowa, Destroyer 666 will shred that smirk off your face with scalding cauldron of black metal riffs and juddering percussion. Brutal.

Nones + The (Glorious) Teaparty + Born to Love Volcanos @ Subterranean – 10/4/09 - $6 Local lo-fi garage rock quartet churns out trashed-out riffs and pillow-muffled vocals with don’t-give-a-fuck bluster.

Erin McCarley + Landon Pigg @ Schubas - 10/5/09 - $15
This vanilla-pop songstress has officially hit it big now that her music has popped up on a myriad of TV dramas, including Grey’s Anatomy. Though McCarley isn’t quite up to par with, say, Spektor or Feist, her compelling acuity will undoubtedly impress.

Cavashawn + Hotspur + Coventry @ Beat Kitchen – 10/3/09 - $10

Cavashawn’s emo-pop jams are more tired than (one-armed Def Leppard drummer) Rick Allen after a drum solo.

Ting-along

2009-09-30T14:26:00.002-05:00

From Remix Galaxy:

Consisting of Jules de Martino and Katie White, UK’s popular dance-rock group The Ting Tings is currently preoccupied with conquering America. Having already hit #1 on the album charts in the UK with We Started Nothing, the duo is accompanying Pink on a huge U.S. tour. With booming, radio-ripe beats and contagiously catchy lyrics, it seems like every one of its tracks is written to inspire a sing-along. The single “Great DJ” is no different, with a bouncy, jittery vibe and endearing simplicity. It’s a perfect jam to dress up a bit, as Scottish electropop musician and producer Calvin Harris did with an extra coat of synth and some chipper beats.

The Ting Tings – “Great DJ (Calvin Harris remix)”

Odd things my roommate said, Vol. 3

2009-09-29T13:44:00.003-05:00

This time around, I’ve added some random quotes from friends.

[Roomie] “Every time I see a girl pop a squat, I just want to rub one out. So hot.”

[Roomie] “I like pregnant girls because it’s like having sex with two people. It’s like a ménage-a-trois.”

[Roomie] “Did you hear about the Polish fight club? Everyone’s talking about it.”

(On a balcony)
[Me] “Who’s that girl?”
[Skip] “I don’t know, but I kind of want to throw this BBQ at her.”

(Pick up line)
[Skip] “Hi. I don’t mind a woman who drinks.”

(Pick up line)
[Pat] “Wanna Bud Light?!”

(In regards to why her previous relationship ended)
[Sharon] “I broke up with him because his balls smell.”

Jay-Z and Marvin Gaye double team your ears

2009-09-28T12:45:00.004-05:00

From the RxG blog:

For this next ditty, things are going to get a little bit steamy. Recently, the production duo of Shuka and The Gunna dropped a scalding mixtape composed of select Marvin Gaye and Jay-Z cuts that simultaneously oozes swagger and melts hearts. Melding the self-proclaimed “Greatest Rapper Alive” (yeah, right) and the legendary chocolate crooner is a forehead-slapping idea made all the more appealing by assembling an entire mixtape. Jay-Z’s version of “Hello Brooklyn” featured awesomely declarative lyrics, though the beat didn’t capitalize on the original grooves laid down by the Beastie Boys. Seeing room for improvement, The Hood Internet touched up Jay-Z’s track with the jangly, fluttering beats of Xiu Xiu and the results were appealingly fantastical. However, the Brooklyn Soul mixtape version is simply a straight-up serial killing. There just aren’t that many songs out there that you can get amped to, get down to, get dirty to, and listen to over and over again. This is one of those jams.

Jay-Z ft. Lil Wayne vs. Marvin Gaye – “Hello Brooklyn 2.0”

also:

Jay-Z ft. Lil Wayne – “Hello Brooklyn”

Beastie Boys – “Hello Brooklyn”

Jay-Z ft. Lil Wayne vs. Xiu Xiu – “I Do Brooklyn When I Want (The Hood Internet remix)”

Brooklyn Soul mixtape

Disco is back, duh

2009-09-25T16:26:00.004-05:00

From my RxG blog:

The UK-based production and remix duo of James Ford and Jas Shaw (aka Simian Mobile Disco) hasn’t been around very long. However, since popping up in 2007 with Attack Decay Sustain Release, the team has apparently done some serious networking. “I Believe” scored a spot on the FIFA ’08 soundtrack, while this year’s Temporary Pleasure garnered the support of Chris Keating (Yeasayer), Telepathe, Alexis Taylor (Hot Chip), and Jamie Liddell. Still, the most impressive contribution to the album might come from Beth Ditto on “Cruel Intentions.” Featuring snappy, crystal-chandelier beats and disco-infused alacrity, the synth-pop number buzzes like a thousand neon lights. On the other hand, Joker’s interpretation comes out just as tasty. The dubstep pioneer loves using plenty of analog synth, and it definitely shows. Either way, both versions are certified party starters.

Simian Mobile Disco ft. Beth Ditto – “Cruel Intentions (Joker remix)”

Metric: "We're big in Canada."

2009-09-24T13:22:00.003-05:00

From my RxG blog:

Since 2001’s Grow Up and Blow Away, Toronto’s Metric has experienced a steadfast ascension in popularity. However, this year’s Fantasies just may have established the New Wave-tinged dance-rock quartet as the reigning Canadian indie rock kings (and queen). In fact, their album has even made it onto the 2009 Polaris Music Prize’s shortlist for the Canadian Album of The Year. I'm not sure if Emily Haines’ looks had anything to do with it, but fellow Toronto natives MSTRKRFT have definitely noticed. The versatile vowel-hating electronic duo has been known to push songs along at spazzy Mountain Dew-fueled speeds, but their remix of “Monster Hospital” is paced very well and has a healthy dose of Daft Punk flavor.

Metric – “Monster Hospital (MSTRKRFT remix)”

Miike Snow overload this weekend!

2009-09-23T15:27:00.005-05:00

Miike Snow-- so hot right now. The trio will be in town this weekend, and I'll probably be catching it this Friday DJing at Sonotheque. In case you haven't heard, Spandexxx put together an absolutely ridiculous lineup of DJs for the event, including Hey Champ, Moneypenny, and Frankmusik (YES!). You can RSVP here for free entry: http://www.urchicago.com/spandexxx

Anyways, I've unearthed a ferocious foursome of Miike Snow remixes that will undoubtedly assist you in jump-starting your party cruising. The tritely anonymous yet anomalously infectious Swedish pop trio has been getting a lot of attention since their big-time gig at Lollapalooza, the king of summer pop festivals. Though the troupe’s indie pop idiosyncrasies aren’t exactly visceral, a healthy dose of slick electro-tinged harmonies really spruces up the gossamery vocals. Additionally, the trio’s opening track from this year’s self-titled debut album proves to be indeterminately malleable. Mark Ronson’s shockingly smooth rendition of “Animal” sounds like it belongs on an Amy Winehouse album, while Fake Blood effortlessly speeds up the tempo and amps up the beats a bit. Fellow Swedes Peter Bjorn and John added an opulently cavernous quality, and mouse-headed mega-DJ Crookers laid an egg with a generally loutish version. Though I still prefer the original track, all the remixes are worth checking out.

Get your freak on.

Miike Snow - “Animal”

Miike Snow - “Animal (Peter Bjorn and John remix)”

Miike Snow - “Animal (Mark Ronson remix)”

Miike Snow - “Animal (Fake Blood remix)”

Miike Snow - “Animal (Crookers remix)”

Quick hit: free Smith Westerns and Davila 666 show tonight

2009-09-21T15:48:00.004-05:00

The free Monday night shows at Empty Bottle are always a rockin’ good time, but tonight features and especially capable lineup of rabble-rousers. Mickey’s ear-piercing, high-powered rock will get things going, and Davila 666’s garage-tinged batshit throat-shredding en español headlines. However, the real highlight is local troupe Smith Westerns, which dishes out warm, lo-fi ‘60s rock in globs of fuzzed-out goodness. Don’t be surprised if these kids are playing at next summer’s Pitchfork Fest, and don’t forget about EB’s beer-and-a-shot special for $5.50.

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-09-16T12:59:00.004-05:00

**Raf's Pick**
Gorgeous Little Girls + Brother Truck + Steve Eck and The Midnight Still @ Hideout – 9/18/09 - $8
Creepily named Chicago trio Gorgeous Little Girls churns out booming blues-rock bluster with head-spinning, throat-shredding vehemence.

The Pralines + Heather Perry and the _’s + Liz Lopardo + Affliction @ FitzGerald’s - 9/17/09 - $5
The Pralines headline a mini Lilith Fair of female-led acoustic-based balladry. Coincidentally, the aptly named Chicago quartet’s country-tinged Americana and dusty pop numbers sound sweet and sometimes salty.

The Elms @ House of Blues Back Porch Stage – 9/18/09 - $12
Fresh off the release of The Great American Midrange, the Indiana roots-rock troupe flaunts its mint collection of barreling pub ballads and humdrum mid-tempo numbers.

Truman and his Trophy + Ben Joyce and the Savage Young + The Hudson Branch + Pisces at the Animal Fair @ Metro – 9/18/09 - $10
Local oddball emo punk group Truman and his Trophy have a knack for gushy, teeth-grindingly emotive numbers that are occasionally palliated by sunny melodies.

We The Living + Snowsera + Wolfgang Schaefer @ Subterranean – 9/18/09 - $10
Not quite epochal like Ayn Rand’s anti-socialist novel of the same name, We The Living fails to electrify with its oppressive barrage of polished yet rote crooning.

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-09-02T11:56:00.002-05:00

**Raf's Pick**
The Kickback + Caw! Caw! + I Am Nation @ Bottom Lounge - 9/03/09 - $TBA

No shady dealings here. Churning out endearingly uncluttered buzzsaw guitar rock is The Kickback’s bread and butter.

The Afterdarks + Beyond The Zero @ Bottom Lounge – 9/6/09 - $8
Quad City’s rockabilly rabble-rousers come into town to provide a proper soundtrack to your evening of PBR-swillin’ and drag-racin’.

Phillip Morris + Mpls Henrys + Curtis Evans + The Lower 48 + Soihadto… + Squaaks + Go Long Mule + Inchworm + A Night In The Box - 9/03/09 - $6

Chi-town rapper Phillip Morris spits lively, opinionated rhymes without blowing smoke up your ass.

The Frantic + State And Madison + The Get Go + The Scissors + Dead Town Revival @ Metro - 9/05/09 - $11

Local sugar-punks the Frantic flail through frenzied anthems that aren’t nearly bratty enough, as an earnest cover of “Build Me Up Buttercup” evinces.(*A.S-K.) On the other hand, State And Madison takes a tolerable and sensibly reserved stroll down Emo Avenue.

Ami Saraiya + Euphone + The Atomica Project @ Martyrs’ – 9/05/09 - $8
Saraiya’s hushed crooning may not bewilder right off the bat, but sometimes less is more. The pleasant languidness and permeating warmth of her voice breezily charms in a slow, comforting manner.

Mathletes + The Drownout + The Barcait Couture + The Born Ready + Dear Chicago @ Reggie’s – 9/04/09 - $10
Chicago’s Mathletes headlines a candy-coated lineup of emo bands wielding familiar riffage and whoa-oh wailing that sounds staler than the crunch of year-old croutons.

Anti-Crew @ Reggie’s - 9/5/09
Bouncy backwards-hat toting troupe Anti-Crew hops around with agile hip-hop, sterile rap-rock, and an occasionally cringe-worthy foray into reggae that will nonetheless impress jam-rock die-hards.

The Its + The Safes + The Howlin Tumbleweeds @ Beat Kitchen – 9/5/09 - $10
The Its doesn’t revolutionize the pop punk genre, but at least it tones down the giddy head-spinning gumption enough to avoid sounding passé.

Raf becomes a super-hard overall-wearing gangsta

2009-08-31T22:16:00.001-05:00

What photo? Oh, this photo! Yeah, funny story about that. Well, I was chatting with one of the brokehipster.com magnates (which features excellent deals and now my writing) about going to Betty's Blue Star Lounge on Saturday night. That's exactly what was discussed. It went down kind of like this:

[Hilary] Are you coming to Betty's?
[Raf] Yeah.
[Hilary] Do you need a +1?
[Raf] Actually, +2. I'm bringing Roomie, but I might find someone on the street. You never know.
[Hilary] Well, there's a crazy hooker that looks like zombie La Toya Jackson in the neighborhood. You can bring her.
[Raf] Fine, but if I walk in with her, you have to back me up. I don't want any shit for rocking out with zombie La Toya.
[Hilary] You got it.
[Raf] Last night, I found $2.99 bottles of 20% red headed slut mix at the Jewel by Ashland and Belmont. That should be on the website.
[Hilary] Is that a regular deal? Is it advertised?
[Raf] No, it's a bunch of bottles in a shopping cart. The best kind of deal.
[Hilary] Wow.
[Raf] I got so slammed, I ended up dancing to House Of Pain at McFadden's at 4 a.m.
[Hilary] Oh no.
[Raf] I know. Do you think backwards pants will ever make a comeback? I hope they do.
[Hilary] I hope so too. And overalls.
[Raf] If I wore overalls, do you think people would think I was hard? Or would they just laugh?
[Hilary] I don't know. You're a tall guy, but it's hard to say.
[Raf] I bet if I hung out with a bunch of hard-ass black dudes people wouldn't say shit. I mean, one white guy wearing overalls must be super-hard if he's hanging out with a bunch of black dudes. That would be sweet. What if that's how I rolled.
[Hilary] Well, that's an image.

Fortunately, I'm pretty good with Microsoft Paint.

The Wodka Wars

2009-08-26T12:46:00.005-05:00

The age old question: is wodka from Russia or Poland? I sure as hell have my opinion, but the topic has been discussed and argued over for decades. In the 1970's, Poland boldly laid claim to wodka, stating that the only true wodka was made from Polish soil and all others were impostors. Unfortunately, Russia's socialist cronies held firm political control of the country, with Russian tanks conveniently parked on Polish streets. Under the veil of socialist oppression and whispers about nuclear war wafting in the air, the Wodka Wars didn't seem like a paramount issue.

Vice Magazine has already made some of the most illuminating programs I have ever seen for their VBS TV channel. I was especially impressed by their travels in Kim Jong Il's North Korea and re-creation of Anarchist Cookbook recipes. However, their recent The Wodka Wars is probably the coolest thing I've ever seen on the internet. Traveling from Washington D.C. to Oxford to Moscow to Warsaw, these guys really wanted to get to the bottom of this issue. I was also impressed how Vice realized that the wodka dispute is not just some marketing gimmick. It is a point of pride for both of these nations. Especially Poland, who after decades of foreign control and international indifference, is finally seeing its younger generations embrace their intriguingly contumacious yet fervently patriotic heritage.

With that, I present to you The Wodka Wars:

THE VICE GUIDE TO TRAVEL – WODKA WARS

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-08-25T13:54:00.005-05:00

*Raf's Pick*
Throw Rag + The Boneyard Brawlers + Thee Invaders @ Beat Kitchen
California-based shredding troupe Throw Rag plays both kinds of music: rockabilly and punk rock. Doing it well is an unexpected bonus.

The Coal Men @ House of Blues Back Porch Stage – 8/27/09 - $12
Featuring gravely, drawl-tinged vocals, Nashville’s folk rockers The Coal Men are more likely to croon about lost love rather than catching the Black Lung. They even got a song to appear on Discovery’s Deadliest Catch.

JT & The Clouds + Moxie Motive + The Blueheels @ Empty Bottle – 8/27/09 - $10
Local troupe JT & The Clouds tackles a wide spectrum of sunny soul and plodding Americana sounds. Lead singer Jeremy Lindsay sets his ambitions fairly high, but succeeds in striking the nail right on the head more often than not.

I Attack + Asinine + Everything Is Ruined @ Cobra Lounge – 8/27/09 – FREE
Local outfit I Attack headlines an evening of generic yet fun hardcore punk and (most likely) alcohol-fueled slam dancing. It’s only fitting the Cobra Lounge hosts.

Yaddy Marquis + The Burban Boys + Yung Clepto @ Subterranean – 8/30/09 - $10
Suburban rhymester Yaddy Marquis (unfortunately) doesn’t shy away from facile commercial pop-rap, no matter how shallow or cursory his lyrics get.

Nefarious Fat Cats + Destroy Everything @ Beat Kitchen – 8/30/09 - $8
Destroy Everything’s pop-tinged punk tunes are about as radical as a bowl of mac n’ cheese. But who doesn’t like mac n’ cheese?

Jerry Joseph & Jackmormons @ House of Blues Back Porch – 9/1/09 - $8
Soulfully malleable folk rocker Jerry Joseph and his Jackmormons often coasts on pleasantly languid ballads, yet occasionally impresses with gutsy lyrics paired with viscerally permeating harmonies.

R.I.P. B.I.G.

2009-08-21T14:05:00.003-05:00

Raw. Egotistic. Audacious. Biggie Smalls turned the hip-hop world upside down in the early nineties with the exponentially eloquent Ready To Die and strutted around like he deserved every single nanosecond spent on top of the world. I was young when Smalls was huge. Still, when I think of B.I.G., I imagine him slowly stepping out of a ridiculous stretch limo sporting a white fur coat, scowl eternally chiseled into his plump face, and a fine Castro Cuban parked in his grill. His rhymes were so buttery, so smokey, they billowed out of his lungs thicker than jungle canopy and morphed into an infectious miasma of colloquial candor that distinctly reminded people why Christopher Wallace’s head-spinning swagger was so suitable. As the 2000’s come to a close, it’s nice to see that cutting-edge bands, like the infectiously melodic shredder troupe Ratatat, have the chops to remix a Biggie classic instead of whatever overproduced pizza puff Common just stuck in the oven. So, throw on this jam and turn up the dials. Most of all, remember that the next time you see some hipsters rhyming to club rap and carousing along to their (falsely) perceived apostasy, this number tackled the doomed shallowness of consumer society with much more verve then they’ll ever realize.

Notorious B.I.G. - “Party and Bullshit (Ratatat remix)”

download

Cooking with Raf: Wisconsin Death Cup

2009-08-19T12:54:00.008-05:00

I went to Milwaukee. It was fun. Apparently, people in Milwaukee eat a lot of meatballs (I had them on three different days) and cheese. And sausages. Also, this was the first time I have seen a "Cheddar" flavored Ramen cup. Seeing as I am a Ramen connoisseur, my brah Pat and I came up with a new recipe. I think it was pretty tasty. Pat disagreed.

This is how I roll.

Add hot water, duh.

Pretzels are tasty! A Wisconsin staple.

Not as classy as King Cobra, but it will do.

You know what, I love sauerkraut. That stuff is better than jumping out of airplanes with Bodhi.

Doesn't that look...tolerable?

Yeah, well you have a 6-pack of Natty Light and tell me you wouldn't eat that. In the words of Ozzie Guillen: "it was pretty goo."

Lollaparty: Dan Deacon + Deerhunter + No Age

2009-08-12T20:36:00.005-05:00

When I heard that Dan Deacon, Deerhunter and No Age were going to rock the Logan Square Auditorium with a round-robin show, I immediately thought about whether the venue’s notably bouncy floor would finally cave in. After all, that’s a pretty formidable lineup of critically acclaimed rabble-rousing performers. Not only was the trio going to take turns playing, but the three acts were also going to collaborate with each other, each adding its own bits and melding each other’s interpretations into the live set. They even had CSS’s Lovefoxxx design a wacky shirt for the “No Deachunter” tour. Also, this was the show that was closing out a long, moist-then-hot Lollapalooza weekend. The hype was definitely there.

Unfortunately, the show could not live up to it. While the performers gave it their best shot, several hurdles proved a bit too tall. First, the crowd was unmistakably drained and noticeably smelly. Many exasperated concertgoers were coming directly from an energetic Deadmau5 or Killers performance after a three-day fest to a round-robin that dragged on till after 1am. While intriguing in their own right, the opening acts booked for the night could not get the crowd to muster up enough energy. To top it all off, the audience had to deal with LSA’s notoriously iffy acoustics. Whereas Dan Deacon’s majestic electro-glitch carried pretty well in the space, the loud, distorted Deerhunter and No Age were fighting an uphill battle.

Opening the night was Pasadena’s Infinite Body, an individual sporting a trippy glow-in-the-dark necklace that had to be ditched early on in his set because it was too distracting. Following him was Portland’s White Rainbow. Though White Rainbow proved to be more melodic and accessible, both artists hunched over makeshift techie keyboard/soundboard setups, tinkering with ambient lo-fi soundscapes. Following them, Ed Schrader’s droning, unadorned drum banging couldn’t get me out of my funk either. By the back stairs, I briefly chatted with Mannequin Men’s Ethan D’Ercole about “trying to get that fourth wind.” It just wasn’t happening.

Just then, things started to pick up. Providence, Rhode Island’s What Cheer? swarmed the audience, toting its tubas, drums and trombones. In the middle of the LSA floor, the group pounded and twirled with whomping beats and booming blasts. Dan Deacon kept the good vibe flowing with a fun rendition of “Cecilia” and wowed the crowd with his self-titled DIY “ghetto lights” setup that featured a green glowing skull and a rainbow of colors. Deerhunter jammed out next, with No Age following to fill out the round-robin sequence. As advertised, both bands veered onto more abstract paths, blasting the crowd with raw, intriguingly skewed harmonies along with their beguiling hits. At one point, No Age propelled through “Sleeper Hold,” only to be one-upped when Dan Deacon had What Cheer? pile up all over his speakers and booth during a hybridizing combination of opulent orchestration and electronic whizzbangery. Deerhunter’s Bradford Cox was so impressed he quipped that Deacon “just cured my flu” and devoted the next throw-down to Dan. Next, No Age cheekily named its song “Dislocation,” referring to the recent shoulder injury guitarist Randy Randall was playing through.

Again, it seemed to be Deacon who was upping the ante every go-round. The Baltimore resident got the crowd to make a big circle and get down on one knee, while calling for Ed Schrader to come down to the floor and basically play the part of “Simon Says.” The crowd mimicking Ed’s flailing and jumping was probably the highlight of the night. By this point the crowd was visibly smaller and burnt to a crisp. No Age amped it up a notch by closing out with “Eraser,” and Deerhunter followed suit with “Nothing Ever Happens.” Finally, the trio of bands got together on stage for one final frenzied shred session. Overall, the round-robin format was a compelling and fantastical exercise that allowed plenty of room for the performers to boldly recontextualize their combined musical performance. Unfortunately, the audience’s lethargy muffled the performance significantly. It was a case of right gig, wrong time.

Lollapalooza 2009: He Say, She Say + The Hood Internet + Ke$ha

2009-08-10T14:50:00.002-05:00

In case you haven't heard yet, Lollapalooza's last day was hot. How hot? It was hotter than a stolen tamale. Hotter than a steel playground in Hades. Hotter than Megan Fox in a jacuzzi full of lava. Simply cycling down to the fest at noon was a surprisingly uncomfortable and sudorific ordeal, so you can imagine how exasperating navigating swarming crowds all day was. Fortunately, Lolla shot-callers did schedule some capable performers at the smaller stages, allowing festival goers to enjoy some much-needed elbow room along with their music.

Earlier in the day, Chicago's own electro dance-pop duo He Say, She Say got the heads bobbing with Drea Smith's raspy, Santigold-tinged vocals and Million $ Mano's fizzy beats. While I wasn't thoroughly dazzled by their performance, I did find the addition of a drummer and guitarist added a dash of pizzaz to the duo's live performance. “Crash Dummie” was received well by the crowd, and the duo scored some brownie points by closing out with a cover of “Everlong” by the Foo Fighters.

Next up was The Hood Internet, who transmitted a trippy, yet curiously soothing sonar as they set up the stage. Starting things off with some airhorn blasts (crowds love airhorns), the mashup duo emerged with some huge floppy discs that they inserted into a cutout of an old-school Apple computer. Hood's Radiohead vs. Eve mashup jump-started the crowd and crowd surfing broke out shortly afterward during a Röyksopp vs. Lil Wayne number. The infectious Hercules & Love Affair vs. Rick Ross groove worked the crowd up enough to get everyone with a water bottle to basically disregard the heat and spray their H2O into the air. I have seen this duo perform several times around town, but their retro stage setup, shorter mixing, and cream-of-the-crop song selection marked this as their best performance to date.

Scurrying over to the BMI stage, I wasn't expecting much from electropop songstress Ke$ha. Upon first glance, she looked like a burnt-out Hilary Duff on an Adderall binge. To a certain extent, that's a pretty apt assessment. However, Ke$ha's drunk-pop swagger surprisingly didn't come off as a shuck and jive routine. By proclaiming that “It's hot as balls out here!” Ke$ha instantly grabbed the crowd's attention. Backed by DJ Skeet Skeet (I know!), Ke$ha sped through songs with lines like “Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack/Because when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back.” Sure, she came off as a sugary guilty pleasure in the vein of The Veronicas, but it was her intriguingly unconcerned disposition that won me over. That, and the condom gun. Sporting a Ghostbusters-like backpack gun, Ke$ha's keytar player blasted the crowd with sparkly confetti and "K$"-marked condom packages. Overall, the set was cheap, extremely short, and left the audience wanting more. Just like crack.

Cooking with Raf: Cobra Ramen

2009-07-29T14:45:00.008-05:00

So after some plans fell through Tuesday night, Roomie and I decided to pencil in some evening inebriation. Smiths night at Danny's was pretty tight, but the $2 any beer special at Estelle's was totally deck. Nothing like $2 Gumballhead pints. That stuff is the nectar of the Gods. Anyways, the morning after we decided to invent a hangover cure. Enjoy!

Bright and early with a hangover.

Hmm hungry.

Eureka! Cooking time!

Ramen, of course.

Hot sauce! Lived with two Latinos and an Indian for a little bit. I can handle it.

King Cobra! $1.39 + tax. Oh yeah.

Breakfast of champions.

Bam!

That will cure that hangover right quick.

Delicious? Not quite. Tolerable? Yeahhhh. Hangover blaster? Yup.

Bump this summer jam!

2009-07-28T13:12:00.007-05:00

With summer strutting along in full swing for several weeks now, it’s getting to that time when people start laying claim to their favorite anthem of the dog days. After a glowing review by Pitchfork, BBU’s (Bin Laden Blowin’ Up) “Chi Don’t Dance” has become more than just a blip on the radar in the summer’s catchiest underground jam category. Featuring womping beats and a haymaker punchline, BBU has crafted a bumptious track that basically serves as a huge shout out to the City of Big Shoulders. Capitalizing on the track’s recent surge, Willy Joy decided to jazz up the number a little bit. The result is a sleek and slightly trippy track that inspires juking just as much as dancing.

BBU - "Chi Don't Dance"

"Chi Don't Dance (Willy Joy remix)"

More awesomely terrible band names

2009-07-27T14:38:00.002-05:00

You know you love these. So do your friends. So, feel free to share. I like Dickey Pimpkins. Man, what an OK basketball player for the Bulls. Dickey Simpkins still rules though.

Uncle Jesse’s Hair
Dickey Pimpkins
Leftover Crack
Cock Sparrer
Rebels Without Applause
Seks Bomba
Black Ladies
The Bomb
Andrew Jackson Jihad
Pussy Pirates
Dude Man Bro
Tennis Courts
The Morning After Girls
Gay Baby
Faggy Pussy

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-07-24T15:25:00.003-05:00

Tyra was on the stupid box again today. I watched about 90 seconds of the show, but pried myself away just in time. Victory is mine. Anyways, here are some random shows going on this weekend.

**Raf's Pick**
Reds and Blue + Abe Vigoda + Talbot Tagora @ Empty Bottle - 7/23/09 - $10
Basically, these guys are going to rock harder than a band composed of Andrew W.K., Nathan Explosion, Ted Nugent, and Nigel Tufnel.

The Bomb + Kevin Seconds + Andrew Jackson Jihad + The Gunshy + Kepi Ghoulie @ Beat Kitchen - $10 – 7/24/09
Featuring The Methadones’ rhythm section and Jeff Pezzati’s pipes (of Naked Raygun fame), The Bomb is definitely ready to do some damage with its post-punk style and explosive roster of seasoned Chicago punk rockers. Also playing is local band The Gunshy, whose dusty ballads from 2007’s There’s No Love In This War were inspired by the WWII letters written by Matt Arbogast’s grandfather.

Driftless Pony Club + Carpenter + Castevet + Ferrison @ Reggie’s Rock Club - $8 – 7/23/09
Remaining just-aggressive-enough to avoid the pop label, Chicago’s Driftless Pony Club plays guitar-centric indie rock redolent of many predecessors yet in a skillfully executed and pleasantly uncomplicated manner.

The Saps + Heypenny + Grammar @ Subterranean - $8 – 7/23/09
With so much verve, spunk, and sly lyricism, it’s no surprise local indie rock quartet The Saps managed to have an album partially recorded in a living room still sound this good. Combining sunny melodies with occasionally crushing lyrics, The Saps are right on when proclaiming to sound like “A love letter written with a hammer.”

Also, Röyksopp's new album is sick. I've been listening to it a lot, and it's a great boost. SO, check out a jam:

Tyra Banks is stupid, ruins Raf's day

2009-07-23T15:20:00.000-05:00

After a pretty awesome day yesterday, I decided to sleep in this morning and take it easy. After a nice breakfast and a series of hilarious conversations with Roomie (seriously, we should have a podcast or something) I was ready to roll out at 11 a.m. Suddenly, Tyra's abomination of a show comes on the stupid box (TV) and ruins my day. The show was about guys going “gay for pay.” This episode was epically ridiculous. I found out that dudes (definitely not bros) take it in the butt for about $2,000 - $3,000 an hour and go home to their wives and kids. Whatevs.

The really weird part was when Tyra started making a big deal about straight guys working at gay bars. I mean, who the fuck cares? Personally, I'm for personal freedoms. I think that if someone wants to do heroin, buy a gun, have sex with guys, it's all good. Keep it to yourself. This is America. However, it's baffling to me that people are concerned with the sexual orientation of their bartenders. Of course, this was blowing Roomie's mind because he actually was a (straight) bartender at a gay bar for three months in Colorado. There's plenty of hilarious material there, but I'm straying off topic a bit here.

Tyra Banks is stupid. Not like I don't like her shoes or anything like that. She has the intelligence of a high school sophmore cheerleader. Her show was so devoid of any substantive commentary, it bordered on brain-damaging. Yet, I couldn't stop watching it. It was like brain crack. I knew I wanted to leave, but Tyra's confrontational questioning and imbecilic comments kept me glued to the tube.

[Tyra] Since you're receiving “it”, doesn't that make you, like, more gay?

[Tyra] Because the gays love Tyra and Tyra loves the gays! Yay!

Seriously Tyra, shut the fuck up. I know you were on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover circa 1997 and were responsible for millions of suburban white kids crushing on their first black woman, but it doesn't excuse you from spewing garbage from your mouth five days a week. At least Jerry Springer was just a facilitator. He wasn't actually a moron, he just had morons on his show. I'm still baffled on how this show can stay on TV. Even the audience is stupid. They were booing and giving dirty looks all episode, but when a guy said “My girlfriend would rather have me work at a gay bar than a normal bar,” they all clapped. Seriously? You are all hypocritical cave-dwelling animals.

So, Tyra thanks for wasting my time and making me hate myself for watching your stupid show. Worse than that, thank you for ruining you legendary SI bikini shoots and having me wonder whether my other favorite swimsuit models are imbeciles. Yeah, I know these girls probably aren't rocket scientists, but it's seriously unattractive when you're as dumb as Tyra Banks. Selita Ebanks, Stacey Williams, Yamila Diaz-Rahi. I hope you girls aren't morons.

Tyra Banks, you're stupid. I hope you're happy for ruining America.

Taking a break

2009-07-22T13:30:00.002-05:00

I'm still a little burned out from this weekend's Pitchfork festivities, so I'm going to just chill out today with the music writing. Check back tomorrow and hopefully I'll have all the backstage gossip and ridiculous photos up on the site.

In other news, Roomie and I had a good conversation last night. It went something like this:

[Roomie] What did the stingy Mexican say to the other Mexican?
[Raf] What?
[Roomie] Nacho cheese.

[Raf] Why did the dog lick his own asshole?
[Roomie] Why?
[Raf] Because he likes the taste of my sperm.
[Roomie] Gross!
[Raf] David Yow of Jesus Lizard told that one to the Pitchfork crowd last weekend.
[Roomie] No way.
[Raf] Way.

[Roomie] You should write about periods on your blog.
[Raf] Ok

So here goes:
...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

See you all tomorrow.

Pitchfork Music Festival: DJ/Rupture and Pharoahe Monch

2009-07-21T13:17:00.002-05:00

Continuing with my wrap up of the ridiculously awesome Pitchfork Music Festival 2009, I'm posting some stuff about two of the most pleasant surprises of the weekend. Lots of stuff went down, and I will be posting some ridiculous backstage photos later this week. However, Pharoahe Monch and DJ/rupture were two artists I was (unnecessarily) skeptical about. They both brought "it" and got the crowd worked up.

DJ/rutpure
NYC DJ Jace Clayton (aka DJ/rupture) made a name for himself by collecting piles of critical acclaim while simultaneously keeping the ass shaking on the dance floor. It isn't a secret how he did it either. It was wheelbarrows of talent and a strong determination to remain eclectic at all costs. Critics have lauded his ability to integrate sleepy basslines, jerky keys, crisp instrumental samples, and a plethora of other melodies into sets without coming off as bombastic. Since I was attending this year's Pitchfork Music Festival with a spiffy VIP pass, I made it a priority to check out the hype for myself. Initially, I was skeptical the DJ could keep an audience of indie rock-loving pale folk amped up without resorting to energetic mash-ups. However, I was thoroughly surprised at Clayton's ability to sample dubstep, raga, hip hop, house, jungle, and pretty much everything in between. Sure, most people picked up on the smooth remixing of Ol' Dirty Bastard's “Shimmy Shimmy Ya,” but those with a keen ear were also rewarded with impressively sly renditions of Joy Division's "She's Lost Control" and Nina Simone's "Sinnerman." Take a peek at the vinyl virtuoso in action at Pitchfork:

Also, check out this guy's ridiculous dance moves that basically sparked a flash mob. Apparently his name is Mr. Awesome. Hilarious.

Pharoahe Monch
After DOOM’s passable Saturday performance, I was slightly pessimistic about Pharoahe Monch’s show Sunday afternoon. Though I’m a fan of the Queens-bred wordsmith’s twisting lyricism and pounding beats, I questioned whether a pigeonhole-dodging chameleon like Pharoahe Monch could rile up the chilled-out crowd of indie rock-loving pale folk. Without leaning on a mysterious alias gimmick, a catalogue of “Top 10” hits, or a “conscious rapper” rep, the rhymester had his work cut out for him. But his vivacious, boisterous set was performed with much soul and gusto and I was glad I didn’t pass up one of the weekend’s best sets. Monch prowled up and down the stage, delivering his lines with booming efficiency. His back-up singers/dancers were absolutely excellent, and provided a welcome dash of heartfelt R&B crooning. Saving the best for last, Monch poured water on the seething crowd and jumped on speakers during his invigorating rendition of “Simon Says.” Also ending on a hilarious note, the rapper humorously repeated "Girls, show me your TITTAS" while rubbing his nipple as the crowd winded down. Unfortunately for him, he did not have any takers.

Pitchfork Music Festival update: DOOM, Matt & Kim, Wavves, and drama!

2009-07-19T13:08:00.006-05:00

From the TOC blog:
Though Pitchfork Music Festival has maintained a reputation of affordability and accessibility, it wouldn’t be a proper summer fest without at least some sort of drama. Heading into the weekend, the buzz around Nathan Williams of Wavves was huge. After an onstage meltdown at the Primavera Sound Festival in Spain and a skateboarding accident that shattered his wrist, people were definitely expecting for something blog-worthy to go down. Williams didn’t seem to feel the pressure though. He chilled (cast and all) with Damian Abraham in the VIP area, and coolly sipped on a beer backstage when the crew was fixing a problem that pushed Wavves’ set back twenty minutes. Once underway, the performance went off without a hitch.

Instead, it was Long Island villain and rapper DOOM providing most of the drama during day two of Pitchfork. Deciding that I wanted to catch a glimpse of DOOM approaching the stage from the back, I camped out and kept my eyes open. Somehow, I did not think twice about the oddly parked Dodge Charger right behind the stage until the mask-wearing rhyme spitter popped out and immediately rushed towards the stage. According to Greg Kot, the rapper was giving the festival organizers a hard time by showing up late and demanding to be paid up front in cash. Apparently, DOOM just decided to drive his car up to the stage and sit in it until someone coughed up the cash. Adding to his mystique, many accused him of lip-synching during his set. While his hypeman and DJ both tried to amp up the crowd during the performance, DOOM trudged around the stage in a leafy green camouflaged jumpsuit without much energy. Several people were talking about how they were big fans of DOOM, but felt like he was mailing it in.

In contrast with DOOM’s performance, Brooklynites Matt & Kim definitely did not disappoint their fans. The always smiling and dynamic duo proclaimed early on that they heard the “B” stage was the party stage. Granted, any stage Matt & Kim performs at is essentially the party stage, but the “B” stage saw some great performances earlier in the day by Disappears, Lindstrøm, and especially Ponytail. Launching into a synth-doused club jam and then “It’s a Fact,” the duo instantly worked the crowd into a frenzy. By the time Matt & Kim finished playing “Yeah Yeah,” several people had to leave the front of the stage because it was getting a bit too rowdy for them. Slowing things down for a minute, the too-cute Brooklyn hipsters performed a short but sweet cover of Dead Prez’s “Hip Hop” and chatted about their crazy adventures and past loft party performances in Chicago. Before playing “Lightspeed,” Matt stated “This is a song about Oprah crowd surfing.” One of my favorite moments of Pitchfork so far was when Kim stood straight up on her seat, got the crowd to reach for the sky, and brought the ruckus with a ridiculously fun cover of Europe’s “The Final Countdown.” After closing the set out with “Daylight,” Matt & Kim graciously thanked the crowd for coming out and retreated backstage with, what else, ear-to-ear smiles.
"Yeah Yeah"

"Final Countdown" + "Daylight"

Raf's super-mega-awesome Pitchfork Festival preview: Vol. 2

2009-07-16T15:26:00.008-05:00

Yesterday I wrote about Friday's lineup and other shows going on this weekend. Feel free to check that out if you haven't already done so. Today, I'm going to get down and dirty with the meat and potatoes (does that sound gross?) of P4k Fest. But before I do, I think it is important to mention that everyone will be judging your sense of style at the fest. This weekend, Chicago is Indietown USA and you're going to need to show that you have Midwest street cred. Ladies, that means none of those weird yellow or teal moo-moo summer dresses that hike up your boobs and get super wide on the bottom, leaving guys wondering if you're smuggling a turkey or bowling balls or something. Seriously, don't accessorize either. It's a festival. Just wear jeans/shorts and a white wife beater and it's all good. Guys, if you're going to wear pants, don't roll them up like you're riding around the loop on your fixie. If you're going to get hot, just wear shorts and don't look stupid. And no more of those grape-smuggling tight-ass jean cutoffs. That trend needs to die. If you're REALLY trying to go cutting edge with your outfit, you have two options that no one will top: a head-to-toe banana costume and a bow tie tuxedo. Booyah. You're welcome.

Saturday:
1:00 – Cymbals Eat Guitars vs. Disappears
This early in the day, I'm going to want to start with something light, like an appetizer. CEG is definitely breezier, so I'm going to have to go with them. Also, they're playing with Sybris at night so they get bonus points.

1:45 - The Dutchess and the Duke vs. Plants and Animals
I heard P&A whistles more. I'm going with the whistling. Also, good time to get food or go to the bathroom or pick up hotties.

2:30 – Fucked Up vs. The Antlers
The Antlers? Seriously? Fucked Up is so badass HIV crosses the street when it sees the band coming.

3:20 – The Pains of Being Pure at Heart vs. Bowerbirds
This is a tough one. Bowerbirds is decent, but TpoBPaH is a bit poppier and more energetic. Yeah, the name sucks more than Monica Lewnisky at the Democratic National Convention, but whatevs.

4:15 – Final Fantasy vs. Ponytail
I like Ponytail. You might think they're stupid. Well, you might be right. However, if you want to see a short girl in basketball shorts run around on stage and scream/yelp/coo to some serious shredding, this is for you.

5:15 - Yeasayer vs. Wavves
Wavves is hotter than two chicks at the same time right now. It has this fuzzy, muddled lo-fi don't-givve-a-fuck thing going on that actually sounds kind of cool for a bit but induces headaches pretty quickly. I like Yeasayer more. Howevvver, Wavvvvvvves' guitarist is going to play with a broken wrist against doctor's orders. This might be an epically shitty performance. So, actually, it's a toss-up. Vvvvvvvvery close.

6:15 - DOOM vs. Lindstrom
Not a lot of hip-hop at the fest, and DOOM is pretty awesome anyways. No contest. DOOM.

7:25 - Beirut vs. Matt & Kim
M & K is another band that you might not like. The two of them are not the best musicians, but they're energetic, fun, catchy and love banging on shit. They remind me of a Tegan & Sara, Mates of State, and Death From Above 1979 cocktail. Go see them, you'll have fun.

8:30 – Black Lips vs. The National
Toss up. Both really good. Might be leaning towards National.

Sunday
1:00 - The Mae Shi vs. Michael Columbia
I really, really, liked last year's TMS single “Run to Your Grave.” That jam is better than taking a shit on heroin. So, TMS.

1:45 - Dianogah vs. Frightened Rabbit
FR is Scottish, and Scots amuse me for some reason. Is Craig Ferguson Scottish? He sounds like it, and he was hilarious last night. Dianogah features uber-cool Chicago poster artist Jay Ryan, who gets his bud Andrew Bird to tear up some violin for Dianogah's tracks. They were spotted hanging out at the Dirty Projectors Millennium Park show a little while back. So, this may be a wild card for a guest appearance. I'm saying toss-up.

2:30 - Blitzen Trapper vs. Killer Whales
KW is a great band name and whoever says otherwise is basically taking a big fat steamer on your brain. BT is really good if you like Fleet Foxes/Grizzly Bear. KW is good if want to get down and funk. Choose your own adventure.

3:20 – Pharoahe Monch vs. Women
Yeah Women is good but does it have a fierce jam that you would crank up in your shitty truck in the high school parking lot to scare the cheerleaders in the yellow Jeep Wrangler parked next to you? No. No it doesn't. Relive the glory of Internal Affairs. Get the fuck up! Simon Says get the fuck up! Throw your hands in the sky! Pharoahe Monch! Yes, people listened to that jam before Boiler Room.

4:15 - The Thermals vs. DJ/Rupture
The Thermals is a good alt band, but DJ/R is a nice change of pace from the rest of the lineup. DJ/R.

5:15 – The Walkmen vs. Japandroids
TW put out one of the best records of 2008. 'Nuff said.

6:15 - M83 vs. Vivian Girls
Tough call, but if you're itching for some 80's flavor then M83 is the way to go. FYI, chicks love the 80's. No, seriously.

7:25 – Grizzly Bear vs. Mew
GB put out a top ten record from a (relatively) small label. It's big right now. It will folk rock your face. Yet, It's kind of burning me out, Mew sounds very tight, and you can avoid a crowd there. So, Mew it.

8:30 – The Very Best vs. The Flaming Lips
Yeah, another tough call. FL will have confetti and a big blow up ball thingy and lots of fun theatrics. Plus, Coyne is a cool dude. TVB brings that authentic afro pop sound that Vampire Weekend lifted, but also adds a dash of that M.I.A. globalized-cool swagger. Toss up. Flaming Lips is the bigger name, so if you're a rebel go see TVB.

Booyah! There it is. I need to find better things to do with my time. Text me if you're going down there this weekend.

P.S. Don't wear your nice shoes.

Raf's super-mega-awesome Pitchfork Festival preview: Vol. 1

2009-07-15T16:40:00.001-05:00

So, if you're going to Pitchfork this weekend, you're probably trying to plan out who to see right about now. This can be a pretty difficult task considering music mega-nerds and actual Pitchfork staff members are the only people who are familiar with every band at the fest. Well, that's why I'm here to help. Instead of listening to your “friends” or a “respected music publication” you can just let me plan out your fest schedule according to my personal biases and questionable taste.

Tomorrow I will have a rundown of Saturday and Sunday's schedules. Today I will cover Friday night's bands and this weekend's after-shows/parties.

Friday
The band sets tonight don't overlap so you can see every one of these old geezers play.

Tortoise – 5:00
Wow, these guys formed a band in 1990? No shit! This is really surprising because their new album, Beacons of Ancestorship, sounds pretty cutting edge. Anyways, these local instrumentalists are pretty good so if you can ditch out of work early and aren't pregaming, check them out.

Yo La Tengo – 6:10
Apparently these guys are also known as... Condo Fucks!!! Seriously, my favs band name. Tight. Well, they're pretty old too since they formed in 1984. They have this breezy pop thing going on while still staying pretty legit. Should be good. Your girlfriend won't complain during the set, either.

The Jesus Lizard – 7:20
I thought rockers weren't supposed to live this long. Don't they all die of drug cocktails at 27? These guys formed a band in 1987. They're from Chicago. They're totally re-uniting here and they're going to be best buds forever again. I just don't get the hype. I usually like grungy rock bands, but this is just going over my head. So, whatevs.

Built to Spill – 8:40
Ok, roll out the walkers and wheelchairs. I'm sensing a recurring theme here. BtS formed in 1992, making them the youngest band tonight. Well, I don't really know how old the members are, but the band is younger. This is my pick for the evening. I like their Ben Kweller slacker thing going on, but they can still tear it up a bit. Good stuff.

Other shows/parties this weekend

Friday 7/17/09
Alla + Smith Westerns @ Bottom Lounge - $10 – 8pm

Alla is a very good Chicago psych rock band with some Latino heat. However, Smith Westerns are all the rage on the blogosphere right now and this should be an excellent show for $10. Their fuzzy, groovy jam “Be My Girl” is so hot right now.

Fucked Up + Total Abuse @ Subterranean - $12 – 10pm

Fucked Up probably put out my favorite album of 2008: The Chemistry of Common Life. Sure they're a hardcore punk band but they're also extremely melodic and worry just as much about their music as breaking shit. GO SEE THEM! GO SEE FUCKED UP!!!

Dickfork Fest @ Darkroom - 9pm
(The Hood Internet + Bin Laden Blowin' Up + Mother Hubbard + Bald Eagle)

If you're just trying to shake some ass, get drunk, and make some mistakes then this is a great spot to do so. Darkroom is a really cool bar but has a hard time filling up. Tonight, however, should be a different story. Of course, Hood is just plain awesome and they always get a party started. MH & BE are pretty damn good as well.

Saturday:

Cymbals Eat Guitars + Sybris +Unicycle Loves You @ Bottom Lounge - $10 – 8pm
Cymbals is also playing Pitchfork. They're pretty good. Whatevs. Now, Sybris is a totally badass-fucking-great-awesome band that's been on heavy rotation on my pc for a little while. They're probably better than most of the bands at Pitchfork so if you want to go see a really great 90s style alt-rock band that's catchy, this is it.

Harvey Milk + Torche + Young Widows @ Subterranean - $15 – 10pm

Ok, it REALLY pisses me off that Sybris AND Harvey Milk are playing on the same night. Harvey Milk is so badass. That's really the best way to describe this band. They're from Georgia, they play really heavy rock numbers that are perfect for biker gang bars, and they rule. They'll scare your girlfriend probably, but hey “Bros before hoes.” I don't know, Sybris is awesome but if you like some hard stuff go see Harvey Milk.

Black Lips (DJ set) + Pase Rock @ Sonotheque - $10

Black Lips are really good. Here, you can hear them DJ, dance, and rub up on some girls/guys because it's going to be totally packed. I like your chances.

Sunday:

Frightened Rabbit + Headlights @ Bottom Lounge - $17 – 8pm

Scottish heart-on-sleeve rockers Frightened Rabbit put one of 2008's best reviewed albums, and now you can go see them in a nice intimate setting. Go get 'em, tiger.

Blitzen Trapper + Loch Lomond – Empty Bottle - $15

I'm tired of writing. BT is a good band, but seeing them at Empty Bottle would be awesome. Check it out.

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-07-14T11:07:00.004-05:00

Pitchfork Music Festival is going to take over Chicago this weekend with the country's uber-cool neo-hipsters descending on Union Park for a three-day musically elitist (yet supposedly very chill) extravaganza. Unfortunately, $60 two day passes (sold out) are already going for $150 on Craigslist. So, why not spend $7 on some random Chicago concert instead?

I will be attending the fest this weekend with some spiffy press passes, so be on the lookout for my Pitchfork Fest preview later this week. Also, I'll have pics and reviews for you next week. Maybe I'll run into Pontail's Molly Siegel again!

**Raf's pick**
Cains & Abels + A Lull @ Bottom Lounge – 7/16/09 - $8

Chicago’s Cains & Abels pairs hauntingly beautiful melodies with heart-on-sleeve songwriting that showcases oft-unsettling imagery. Eerie, atmospheric folk rock reverberates throughout their 2009 release Call Me Up while David Sampson’s echoing vocals retain a smattering of Neil Young twang.

*Side Note: I ran into C&A's Michelle Vondiziano while I was delivering some stuff to the Fulton Market district's Music Garage. I got a tour of the place, and it's a really great place to record music. Kill Hannah recorded their last album there, as well as C&A. Check it out!

Late Night Hooligan Riff Raff + Bitterson + 30 Helens @ Reggie’s Music Joint – 7/16/09 - $5

Cheesily named alt-rock trio Late Night Hooligan Riff Raff seem to be muddled about what decade they live in, which might explain their affinity for ripped jeans and grungy mid-90s grooves. Even nimble bass lines can’t save pedestrian lyrics and a strong resemblance to sports-bar circuit cover bands. Ouch.

The Liquid Beat All Stars + Ladymoon @ Kinetic Playground – 7/16/09 - $7

Jazzy electro-funk group The Liquid Beat All Stars features a talented core plus a revolving door of Chicago musicians that create skillfully spastic groovebomb numbers. Indianapolis quartet Ladymoon bolsters the evening’s funky lineup.

The Briggs + Left Alone + Sleeping Under 47 + The Sky We Scrape @ Reggie’s Rock Club - 7/16/09 - $12

This blue-collar L.A.-based quartet finds a way to intertwine Boston street punk balladry (a la Dropkick Murphys) with fist-pumping SoCal anthems. The result is a decidedly apt soundtrack for rum-punched pub shenanigans.

Bryan Greenberg + Dan Darrah @ Schubas – 7/16/09 - $10

The L.A. resident and star of TV’s One Tree Hill joins the actor-turned-musician clique already crowded by the likes of Kevin Bacon, Keanu Reeves, and Jared Leto. Unfortunately, those guys can hide behind a band. Greenberg’s solo guitar schtick won’t be fooling anyone, no matter how many times he drags his bud Kid Cudi onstage.

Makeshift Prodigy + Moxxy + Heavy The Fall + Lucid Ground + A Friend Called Fire @ Metro – 7/17/09 - $10

Moody, oft-chaotic, and nervy Chicago band Makeshift Prodigy balances soaring piano-driven numbers with bracing post-hardcore jams and affecting vocals while retaining its pop suitability.

The Upper Crust + The Goldstars + I love Rich @ Beat Kitchen – 7/17/09 - $12

It may be easy to automatically dismiss this Boston-based quartet as an annoying novelty act, but don’t overlook that it’s also hilarious. Donning aristocratic fop garb and dousing its songs with snobbery and double-entendres, The Upper Crust’s “roque” strains to sound like AC/DC but comes off more like Spinal Tap. Depending on how you look at it, this might be a foolproof recipe for success.

Live review: No Doubt + Paramore @ First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre 7/11/09

2009-07-13T15:18:00.003-05:00

From the TOC Blog:
After all these years, why would the 39-year old Gwen Stefani choose to go back on tour with her old SoCal bandmates and ex-boyfriend? Considering she got married to Gavin Rossdale, had a pair of kids, launched a massively successful solo career, and cashed in on a couple of clothing lines, jumping around on stage and screaming “I'm just a girl!” at the top of her lungs just doesn't seem to make much sense anymore. Perhaps Gwen simply misses strutting around as a rock goddess as opposed to pursuing the pop-star-turned-entrepreneur career track of someone like P. Ditty. After all, many people forget just how instrumental the strikingly spazzy songstress was in shattering the glass ceiling for female rockers in the 90's. Why is it so hard to believe she wants to re-capture some of that old magic? No Doubt has stated that the new tour is about re-connecting with its audience and inspiring the band to write new material. Sure, there's all that cheddar too, but maybe Gwen would prefer to recruit another generation of fans as a bona-fide rocker rather than a quirky pop diva. After experiencing the ska-pop group's epic, indefatigable, nostalgia-fueled show Saturday night at Tinley Park's First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre, that's not such a hard pill to swallow.

Walking up to the stage as a quartet of silhouettes projected onto a massive white scrim, No Doubt showed early on that everything that evening was going to be turned up to 11. As the white fabric dropped it revealed a massive, spider-looking walkway structure with Adrian Young's drum set in the middle. The band sported white wardrobes and matching blonde-mohawked haircuts, with Gwen rocking black boots, a tiny tank top, and a toned figure that rivaled G.I. Jane's. The stage was so polished, so impressive, that the band's previous Rock Steady tour looked like a county fair gig in comparison. Launching into “Spiderwebs,” No Doubt instantly riled up the noticeably older crowd and soon had the capacity crowd of 25,000 people jumping up and down to “Hella Good.” By the time “Underneath It All” finished up, Gwen was proclaiming that it was “The loudest show of the tour so far.” During “Ex-Girlfriend,” a retro-cool spy montage featuring the band appeared in the background, with the entire stage turning red as the songstress screamed “Why am I so Jealous!?”. Surprisingly, The Beacon Street Collection's “Squeal” made an appearance, though it was truncated because Gwen admittedly forgot the lyrics. Before “New,” Stefani made sure to freshen up with a new outfit consisting of a sparkly checkerboard hot-pants dress and black tights. Undoubtedly, one of the highlights of the night was when Gwen got the entire lawn section going absolutely bonkers with concertgoers up front looking on in awe on the funky, trumpet-backed “Different People” Of course, the obligatory push-up demonstration occurred before the set ended with “Just A Girl.” Gwen effortlessly pumped out ten reps before amping up the seething crowd to a memorably ear-splitting boy vs. girl shout-off.

For the encore, Gwen dressed down to more comfortable camo pants and a sparkly polo before picking up the action again with “Rock Steady”. Though I liked how the band decided to play their go-to power pop ballad “Don't Speak” earlier on, I thought that opening the encore with “Rock Steady” didn't sustain the frenzied energy of the crowd. Next came the band's new cover of “Stand And Deliver,” which saw the entire band and a young boy from the crowd banging on drums at the front of the stage while Adrian pranced around the stage hilariously in a pink tutu. Hoping that the band would close out the evening with the barreling “Sunday Morning,” I was pleasantly surprised when they actually chose to do so. The crowd summoned whatever energy they had left to close out the night with a bang, and stuck around to applaud the band copiously as No Doubt lingered on stage waving to their fans. Sure, No Doubt chose to postpone developing new, mature material for this tour, instead wanting one more go-round with their old catalog of songs about breakups and youthful enthusiasm. Though at first glance it doesn't seem like a winning formula, when it's pulled off with this much shimmer and swagger it's not to be missed.

Opening for No Doubt was a pair of compatible and competent bands. The first performer of the evening was Bedouin Soundclash, which skillfully performed crisp, uppity, reggae-influenced jams reminiscent of the Clash. This time around No Doubt didn't pack quite as much dancehall ammunition, so Bedouin Soundclash's reggae flavor and tiki lounge vibe was a welcome addition. Next up was Paramore, a tight, energetic pop-punk group that features 20-year-old orange-haired banshee Hayden Williams. Though some of the band's songs felt a little stagnant and manufactured, riot girl Williams showed some serious spunk while hopping around on stage just like Stefani did when she started out so many years ago. The band also exhibited some surprising showmanship, which was appreciated by the numerous fans cheering them on.

The Dutch can DJ

2009-07-11T15:39:00.002-05:00

When the Dutch duo of Silvio Ecomo and Chuckie teamed up on “Moombah,” the result was an energetic, cavernous-sounding track with beguiling tribal beats. Already accustomed to churning out barreling progressive and house jams with big climaxes, Silvio and Chuckie did not disappoint. However, Afrojack's (another Dutchman) recent remix of “Moombah" showcases a little bit more flavor with a jangly beat and deep, thunderous stomp. Overall, Afrojack's tracks come off as more spazzy, but his jerky taste doesn't overpower the original track. If you have a hankering for some nasty beats, feel free to treat your ears to Afrojack's rendition of “Moombah.”

Silvio Ecomo & Chuckie – Moombah (Afrojack Remix)

A match made in heaven: Grizzly Bear and Lil Wayne

2009-07-10T14:18:00.003-05:00

From the RxG blog:

When I picked up the new Grizzly Bear album last month, “Two Weeks” was the first track off Veckatimest that entrenched itself in my head. I immediately grabbed the song from my playlist and inserted it into several mixtapes, finding that it melded just as seamlessly into a party mix as a lounging mix. It was great number and seemed to spark the voluminous buzz the album garnered on the blogosphere. Well, the buzz has died down by now and given way to a tidal wave of critical acclaim. While Grizzly Bear will undoubtedly ride that wave to several “Best of 2009” lists in December, their current popularity should also spawn truckloads of new remixes. Getting the drop on the ball, NYC's The Soundmen have come up with quite a gem in their mashup of “Two Weeks” and Weezy's “Prom Queen”. By jettisoning Lil Wayne's tired guitar riffs and melting his vocals into the slowed-down “Still D.R.E” piano strokes, this track has become a proper "turn-it-up" jam perfect for waking your neighbors up at night.

The Soundmen - Grizzly Bear vs. Lil Wayne

Odd things my bartender said: Vol. 1

2009-07-09T17:19:00.002-05:00

Living in the Logan Square area has its perks. Mainly, everything is relatively cheap. There are cheap liquor stores, cheap apartments, and Family Dollars all over the place. Best of all, some of the bar specials around here are absolutely ridiculous. I have already mentioned that my neighborhood dive is Relax Sports Bar (Chicago Reader's 2009 pick for best drink specials). There are other bars in the hood, like Small Bar, which was Time Out Chicago's 2009 pick for best neighborhood bar. It has a ridiculous selection of beers, including some very tasty beer that apparently tastes just like drinking marijuana. I think it's called Heavy Handed IPA. However, I never understood people who got excited about beer selections. When I go out, I just want the cheapest mistake juice available so I can get thunderdrunk without spending money.

Relax Sports Bar is dirty. It smells of wet socks, popcorn, and cat puke. There is no air conditioning inside and it gets sweaty-ass hot in there sometimes. The clientele is multicultural, diverse, and uniformly shady. However, it has several redeeming qualities. The booze is cheap, it's a White Sox bar, and the free popcorn machine has a big photo of Rick James in it. Tight. Also, the conversations I overhear are priceless. Hence, I decided to jot some memorable quotes down.

“I saw Pods's (White Sox player Scott Podsednik) wife at the ballpark. Holy Shit. It took everything in my power not to pull my pants down and beat off right there.” -bartender

“Remember that guy who gave Aramis Ramirez the reach around?” - random dude at Relax

“If you're going to hit the ball, hit it like a man! Did you see that faggot single?!” -bartender

[Bartender] “Hey is that girl with you?”
[Roomie] “Yeah.”
[Bartender] “She's pretty hot. I want to come over here and high-five you every two minutes.”

“The last thing you want to do is burn the popcorn. If you burn the popcorn, the whole bar will fill up with burnt stink. It smells like shit.” -bartender

P.S. If I remember correctly, here are the specials:
M - $4 PBR pitchers
T - $2.50 16oz. Polish beer bottles
W - $2 PBR pints
Th - $1 cans of Stroh's & Ol Milwaukee, $2 whiskey shots
Fr - $2.50 Stella Artois drafts
Sat - ??
Sunday - $2.50 big bloody marys

KeysNKrates remixes your face

2009-07-07T12:14:00.002-05:00

From the RxG blog:
If the onslaught of Top 40 remixes has been boring you a bit lately, Ontario’s KeysNKrates is definitely a band to keep your eye on. The trio of DJ Jr. Flo, Matisse, and Adam Tune has even gone so far as to claim to have re-invented the remix! Though that claim is debatable, KNK is definitely switching things up by utilizing keys, percussion, and turntables to remix audio tracks live. With so many of today’s DJs spending most of their time hunched over a laptop, this is a refreshing change of pace. KNK’s blog features a slew of videos showing its live remixing prowess, including an absolutely bonkers revision of “Fu-Gee-La” that will slingshot you right back to 1996. Showcasing its impressive versatility, KNK also tackled Justice’s “We Are Your Friends,” which essentially makes it a remix of a remix. Check out a video of this nascent track that starts slow enough but explodes into a gusto-spewing club anthem.

Justice vs. Simian Mobile Disco - “We Are Your Friends (KeysNKrates remix)”

More awesomely terrible band names

2009-07-06T12:26:00.002-05:00

A while back, I made a quiz with some awesomely terrible band names. You can check it out again here. However, there are so many ridiculous names out there that I just had to find some more. So, take a look and decide which one you like best.

Condo Fucks
Blah Blah Blah
Steakhouse Mints
The Catburglars
Fuck Shit City
Gringo Star
Bomb The Music Industry
The Lesbians
Fueled by Ramen (actually a record label)
The Paper Chase
Dr Manhattan
Dirty Tactics
Breaker Breaker One Niner
The New Rebelution
Painkiller Hotel
Jewsus
Snakesaurus Rex
Maggot Twat
Lasers and Fast and Shit

Steakhouse Mints is hilarious!

Craigslist mania!

2009-07-01T14:00:00.002-05:00

Since I frequent Chicago alleys, sometimes I find interesting stuff/trash. Some of it is quite nice and/or useful, and finds its way to my apartment or gets posted on Craigslist. Recently, my buddy “Wolfgang” and I found a classy middle school desk that is great for inducing flashbacks of teenage awkwardness and unrelenting mockery. I mean, who wouldn't want one of these nostalgic torture devices in their home? All this antique desk needs to complete the set is a chalkboard, a ruthlessly bitter teacher, and a giant clock that seems to tick backwards Well, here is a fantastic posting I put on Craigslist for the desk. Let's make a deal!

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/fuo/1245622187.html

Don't you sometimes wish you can relive your glory days from middle school? Well, now you can! Just look at this beautiful, vintage school desk that looks like something out of a "Price is Right" showcase. This desk will feel right at home in any apartment/house/squat. You can practice shooting spitballs, sticking gum underneath the chair, or even carving your name into the desk for as long as you want now! Look how much fun our male model "Wolfgang" is having!

Act now, this item is sure to go fast.

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-06-30T19:31:00.003-05:00

Nick Howard @ LaSalle Power Company 7/2/09 FREE

Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring. Oh, excuse me, I was just thinking out loud. Anyways…

Vanilla-pop songster Nick Howard brings his array of run-of-the-mill songs about quotidian problems to the tame River North venue. NICK HOWARD, GO DO DRUGS OR GET SHOT!!! Maybe then you’ll be interesting.

The Cab + The Secret Handshake + The Summer Set + Eye Alaska + Anarbor @ Subterranean 7/2/09 $13

On “Bounce,” The Cab’s lead vocalist sings “Liars turn me on.” Well, if you’re trying to score a date with him, try mentioning that his band sounds absolutely nothing like Fall Out Boy and it should keep playing complex songs with affecting lyrics that never, ever get annoying. That should do the trick. The rest of the lineup sounds blah as well, but at least The Summer Set has the chops to do a “Love In This Club” cover.

Scythian + Brendan Loughrey @ Abbey Pub 7/2/09 $10

It won’t matter whether the crowd is wearing straw hats or kilts, DC-based quartet Scythian will get the ho-down going with its energetic Celtic-influenced Americana numbers.

**Raf's pick**
Thrillage + Majesty @ Cobra Lounge 7/2/09 FREE

Chicago garage rockers Thrillage decided to form a band earlier this year because they missed “The heat of the stage lights and the smell of stale beer.” You’ll be glad they did when you hear their no-nonsense full-speed-ahead jams that are simply fun as hell.

Live review: Vee Dee + Mickey @ Beat Kitchen

2009-06-29T12:20:00.003-05:00

From the TOC blog:

The Roscoe Village hot spot (literally) hosted some heavy garage rock Thursday night. It was obvious that the temperature inside Beat Kitchen was surging uncomfortably when nearly the entire diverse crowd cleared out to cool off, smoke a cigarette, or people-watch on the sidewalk in between sets. With a big group still hanging outside, Mickey’s vocalist joked “Look at this capacity crowd!” before launching into an uneven, yet amusing performance. The two guitarists sported aviator sunglasses like something out of the “Sabotage” music video when standing next to the shaggy, mustachioed drummer. Mickey’s set was ear-piercing, high-powered, and almost completely inaudible. It was a struggle to distinguish the vocals, which were so muddled they made Wavves sound as clear as Josh Groban.

The sound quality improved vastly by the time cleverly named local band Vee Dee starting ripping through its set. The psych-influenced protopunk trio sped through buzzy, distorted and fuzzed-out numbers with aptitude and attitude. Proclaiming early on that “It’s goddamn hot,” Vee Dee made sure the sweat storm it was producing on stage didn’t slow down its fierce riffage. Supposedly, Vee Dee took the jam-session approach when recording its new, expansive double album: Public Mental Health System. After seeing its live show, I can see how that approach influenced the band’s dense, measured and tempo-altering collection of songs. After finishing its encore, the lead vocalist quipped “That will teach you to ever ask for an encore again.” Little does he know that I’ll be at his next show, doing exactly that.

Odd things my roomate said: Vol. 2

2009-06-25T15:27:00.003-05:00

“We got a couch that doubles as a love station.”

“It smelled like two bears just had sex in there.” (In reference to the time when a girl peed in his bed after sleeping with a buddy).

“Fatties know how to feed ya.”

“You know how guys are attracted to gymnasts because they're flexible? Well, I like girls who work with their hands. Because of the HJs (hand jobs).”

[Me] How about we name the cat Simone, after Simone de Beauvoir? Or how about Virgina, after Virgina Woolf?
[Roomie] “I was think more like Baby, like after the chick from Dirty Dancing.”

Live review: O’Death + Tiny Vipers + Balmorhea at Empty Bottle

2009-06-24T14:14:00.002-05:00

From the TOC blog:

It’s bad enough that Live Nation is trying to monopolize the music industry by hoarding control of talent management, venue control, concert promotion and ticketing. Apparently, it also can’t maintain a consistent backpack policy. I trekked out to the slightly inaccessible Charter One Pavilion at Northerly Island Saturday night to see the Offspring and Dropkick Murphys, only to be turned away at the gate because of my backpack. What made this even more infuriating was that just three weeks prior at the Nine Inch Nails show, I was able to waltz in after a brief bag check. Not letting the sudden turn of events ruin my evening, I quickly decided to find a cozier venue to enjoy some weekend music. After all, it wasn’t looking as if the Offspring was packing the house that night. Scalpers were feverishly attempting to unload fistfuls of tickets, selling them as low as $10. I even witnessed someone hand out a free ticket to an excited teen.

Agitated yet optimistic, I caught a cab to The Empty Bottle. No bag checks, no fuss about re-entry, $2.50 beers, and excellent music quickly made me forget about the previous fiasco. Opening the night was Texas-based multi-instrumentalist orc-pop band Balmorhea (pronounced Bal-mor-ay, not like gonorrhea). I was instantly impressed with the group’s atmospheric and mood-swinging sounds as they resonated surprisingly well in the yet-to-fill-up venue. Delicate crooners were played alongside driving numbers that were punctuated by foot stomping and hand clapping. Balmorhea came off as moody and delicate while remaining energetic.

As Tiny Vipers (a.k.a. Jesy Fortino) took the stage, the venue began to fill in and the clamor emanating from the back bar signified that the crowd was getting a bit lubricated. Considering the Seattle-based musician suffers from a bad case of stage fright, it was captivating to watch her ardently propel through the residual noise. Fortino’s music is deliberate, thoughtful and sedate. It’s also strangely uplifting, and, dare I say, almost sparkly. Almost like a beaming disco ball in the middle of a dark forest. I wasn’t the only one who took notice, since the back bar eventually quieted down and began to note the woman pouring her heart out onstage.

Headlining the bill was bluegrass punk band O’Death. Opening with “Home,” the band instantly riled up the crowd and the three absolutely berserk fans who took it upon themselves to start the world’s smallest mosh pit. Though the band’s energy was clearly infectious, it was difficult to pin down its folk, punk, bluegrass, and Gypsy-influenced sound. On slower numbers, the band came across as a reserved group playing engaging mountain music. However, once the tempo sped up and Greg Jamie’s twangy, screechy yelping picked up steam, the band came off as a Neil Young–fronted version of Murder By Death doused with banjos and high on speed. Who wouldn’t want to watch a group of shirtless hillbilly shitkickers foot-stomp, take whiskey shots, and show off their ukulele skills? However, by the tie they capped off their second encore with a Pixies cover (“Nimrod’s Son”), I was wishing they had eased off the tempos more often.

Alleying It Up: Vol. 1

2009-06-21T22:52:00.006-05:00

Integrating nearly 2,000 miles of alleys, Chicago is the alley capital of America. DO YOU GET HOW CRAZY THIS IS?! Suck it, New York. Personally, I am absolutely captivated by fringe urban landscapes, which I refer to as unspace. Coined by Steven Hall in The Raw Shark Texts, the term can be loosely defined as the unvisited, unnamed, and uninhabited empty areas among the normally-used parts of the urban landscape. Unspace encompasses a diverse collection of alleys, tunnels, and warehouses. There are plenty of areas like this among the urban marvels of Chicago, which include one of the longest city streets in the world, the largest water purification plant in the world (when it was first completed), and the intricate alley grid system. To check out a cool map and more info, visit Rat Patrol's website. In case you didn't know, the Rat Patrol is an anarchist organization that rides custom-built bikes and scavenges materials from Chicago's alleys. They also sometimes hang out at one of my favorite Chicago bars: Relax Sports Bar.

But, I'm getting off-track here. One of the best things to do in an alley is to pregame before going to a bar. Even if your favorite spot has a $2 PBR special, a 6-pack for the alley can cost you $4. So, depending on where you're going, there are some interesting spots to explore behind your favorite Chicago bars. Of course, there are cool alley spots everywhere, but here are some of my favorites:

“The Crotch” (Damen/Milwaukee/North):

There are several bars around this intersection, but I usually only set foot in Estelle's, Debonair, or Flat Iron. Estelle's has one of the best jukeboxes in the city, and cheap beer. It's awesome. Debonair and Flat Iron get a little bit pricier, and I almost never buy drinks in there. So, this is a great spot to have a few brews. 7-11 is marked by “A” on the map. The beer is kind of pricey here, so hopefully you brought some with you. But it's still cheaper than drinking at a bar. The red arrow marks a nice spot because you can look across an empty grass lot at the odd Wicker Park high-rises that look like Eastern European blocs. It might be a bit scenic, but doesn't provide much cover, so be careful.

Evil Olive (Division/Milwaukee/Ashland):

EO was a pretty cool bar for a while there. The yuppification of Wicker Park probably started here, and it looks like it's pretty full-blown now. Whereas Wicker Park used to be a neighborhood of artists, punks, and neo-hipsters, the River North collared-shirt and cocktail dress types that the WP crowd tried to avoid has apparently taken interest in coming out and hanging with “artsy” folks. It sucks, but it was going to happen sooner or later. Logan Square is the new Wicker Park and Avondale is the new Logan Square, anyways. You heard it here first. Anyways, this is one of my favorite alleys. There's a huge parking lot that you can encircle and you can see Rite Liquors across the street, a very good liquor store/bar that is marked by “A” on the map. You can walk around this area's alleys for a bit, and they don't seem to get much traffic at night.

River North/Gold Coast border (Clark/Chicago area):

I don't like River North too much. I have to get "cleaned up" to go there, and I can't afford to go crazy on drinks. I don't like how many suburban wannabes and burnt-to-a-crisp chicks hang out there, either. But, if I must go, then this is a good spot to pregame. The pink line marks Clark Street. On Clark, there's an somewhat expensive liquor store, marked by “A”. I think it's called Superior Liquors. Trust me, it still beats paying $8 for a Jack and Coke. The red box marks a lot where an apartment once stood, but has now been leveled. The arrow marks a very good drinking spot, because it's behind a fence but you can still see the traffic on Superior Street. The Blue arrow marks Angels & Kings, a decent joint This spot will save you plenty of money.

Of course, I don't think I have to remind you to watch your back in these alleys. Though they are interesting, they can also be dangerous. That's part of their mystique. Carrying mace or a knife can get you out of a pickle, but your best bet is to be aware of your surroundings. Also, don't litter or raise a ruckus. Be careful out there!

Alleying It Up: Vol. 2 coming soon!

New Gang Gang Dance remixes

2009-06-20T13:43:00.004-05:00

When last year's Saint Dymphna dropped, it cemented Gang Gang Dance as one of the best indie electro pop groups out there today. The album garnered truckloads of praise, but also showed that GGD was just getting better with time. A mishmash of styles and sounds gave the album an otherworldly, alien feel while retaining it's pop appeal. GGD's sound effortlessly ranges from sparkling clear to fuzzy, whether it's through tribal drums or pulsating beats. Also, “House Jam” was one of 2008's best tracks, so if you haven't checked it out you're definitely missing out.

While people love a good remix, it makes it so much more fun when big-shot rock stars are doing the remixing. TV On The Radio ruled 2008 with Dear Science, their moody masterpiece which topped seemingly every music magazine's “Best of 2008” list. Recently, they remixed GGD's spazzy, ethereal “First Communion”.

Not to be outdone, Hot Chip also had a go at remixing GGD. Hot Chip also showed up all over several “Best of 2008” lists after their tracks “One Pure Thought” and “Ready for the Floor” tore through clubs last year. Here, you can check out their cleverly contrived remix of GGD's “House Jam”.

MP3 Links (via Stereogum):

Gang Gang Dance - “First Communion (TV On The Radio remix)”

Gang Gang Dance – “House Jam (Hot Chip remix)”

Five really awesome jams

2009-06-18T12:48:00.005-05:00

Poison Dart feat. Warrior Queen - The Bug (2008)

So, this is what lunatic hordes of motorcycle gangs sporting mohawks and assless chaps would listen to if Jamaica turned into a dystopian shitstorm?

Art Brut - DC Comics and Chocolate Milkshakes (2009)

Seriously, forget going out to bars. I'm grabbing some comics and a milkshake.

PJ Harvey & John Parish - Black Hearted Love (2009)

So, some hotshot director was all like "Let's just have you jump on an inflatable moonwalk in the forest while I spray you with a hose". The result is actually kind of cool. That's why that guy gets paid the big bucks.

The Juan Maclean - Happy House (2008)

Seriously unfuckwithable 12-minute Chicago house track that throws everything and the kitchen sink at you. This video is just 5 minutes long but you'll get the idea.

David Byrne & Brian Eno - Strange Overtones (2008)

This number is hotter than the smoking barrel of a snub-nosed .38

Another edition of random Chicago concerts

2009-06-17T14:08:00.002-05:00

*Raf’s Pick*
Glint @ LaSalle Power Co. – 6/19/09, 9pm, FREE
Electronic rock quartet Glint plays polished, atmospheric songs anchored by moody Thom Yorke-like belting. Portishead and Radiohead fans alike should find something enjoyable to glean from Glint’s instrumentation and pop appeal.

Darmata + Athens + The Name That Spells @ Abbey Pub – 6/18/09, 9pm, $6
Funkadelic quintet Darmata is very good at shredding psychedelic guitar riffs and maintaining an enjoyable head-bobbing pace. Unfortunately, it’s all done under the guise of a rap-rock band, backwards baseball caps and all. Too bad.

Father Murphy + Mayor Daley @ Empty Bottle – 6/18/09, 9:30pm, $8
Moody art-rock trio Father Murphy plays numbers that are great for riling oneself up into an uneasy state of paranoia. Strained screeching, jangly percussion, creepy crooning, and carnival ride organs are all utilized in both odd and fascinating ways. Mayor Daley is a perfect addition to this bill, so see them before the man at City Hall makes them change their name.

PTODA + Mic Terror + The Rocketeers @ Reggie’s Rock Club – 6/18/09, 8pm, $10
PTODA headlines this show, but I have no idea why. Cheesy remixes of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” don’t hold a light to the brazen rhymes of Mic Terror or the wacky futuristic beats of The Rocketeers.

Live review: Q-Tip @ House of Blues

2009-06-15T22:49:00.005-05:00

From the TOC Blog:
What ever happened to our hip-hop stars? Jay-Z spends more time in the office than Donald Trump, Ice-T’s mug is on the tube solely because of Law & Order: SVU reruns, Eminem’s immaturity doesn’t dazzle anymore, and Ice Cube went from Boyz n the Hood to Are We There Yet? A lot has changed in the past decade or so, which makes it even more comforting to know that after all these years Q-Tip still hasn’t lost his swagger. Riding the wave of critical acclaim from 2008’s The Renaissance, Q-Tip rolled into town Friday night to perform at the House of Blues for the ongoing Bacardi B-Live tour. Braving $10 Bacardi drinks and detached freeloaders was a small price to pay for hip-hop heads who got the drop on free tickets that were offered online.

Joining the former A Tribe Called Quest member onstage was a live band backed by turntable virtuoso DJ Scratch. An epic boombox served as the backdrop for the stage, with huge visual screens serving as speakers. The second Q-Tip’s distinct voice crept up on “Johnny Is Dead,” and DJ Scratch asked to crowd to put one finger in the air for J Dilla, I knew it was going to be a memorable nostalgia-fueled show. The rapper skillfully rhymed low-key jazzy A Tribe Called Quest numbers and neo-soul selections from his solo albums while the band brought the funk in the form of deft bass guitar solos, beatboxing, and a tolerable dose of Auto-Tune. The crowd got amped up on “Let’s Ride,” a bit crazy on “Bonita Applebum,” and absolutely lost its marbles on “Scenario”. Q-Tip remained lively and energetic throughout the set, feeding off the energy of the crowd. At one point, he did his best James Brown impression as he crouched onstage and a band member came over to cover him with a towel. To close the night, the Queens native went with the Norah Jones-backed “Life is Better.” As the song blared, he climbed speakers and jumped into the crowd, getting audience members to sing into the microphone. Before calling it a night, Q-Tip energized the crowd by yelling “Sing it like your president is from Chicago!” A decade ago, if someone told me that Q-Tip would still be awesome in 2009 and a black man would be president, I would have laughed. But, I guess some things change, and some things stay the same.

For photos of the show, check out Erik Voake's Flickr stream.

Best of Bonnaroo

2009-06-14T16:42:00.012-05:00

No, I didn't go to Bonnaroo this year. Wish I did. I could have seen a million awesome bands, huge bags of drugs, and people crawling all over each other. Also, I would have walked around drunk with a huge smile on my face at 4:30 am and everyone would still be rocking out. Great times. If you've never been, plan a trip for next year. Until then, I've picked out some awesome photos from Spin Mag's Best of Bonnaroo gallery. Enjoy.

Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs doing the samurai thing.

Oh it gets wet.

Yup, that's pretty standard.

Balloons don't look like that much fun.

Look ma, look at me! Look! -Janelle Monae

I love lines. They're awesome.

Erykah Badu is one person I would definitely be star struck by.

You should have seen the M.I.A. show last year. THAT was nuts.

Oh man I would die happy if I saw David Byrne perform "Naive Melody" and "Strange Overtones".

I hope Crystal Castles kills euro and progressive music.

Bruce Springsteen, people love you.

Bon Iver!

This ain't no VH1 show.

Beastie Boyyyyzzzzz!

Crystal Castles - so hot right now.

Whatevs.

Record Store Roundup (Sorta)

2009-06-13T19:28:00.003-05:00

Here's the week's top sellers for Permanent Records. It's the only joint I have for this week, so deal with it you ungrateful ragamuffins. Grizzly Bear did peak at #8 on the Billboard album charts, by the way. Pretty impressive.

Top 10 sellers:

Cave "Psychic Psummer"
Omar Souleyman "Highway to Hassake"
Group Doueh "Treeg Salaam"
Grizzly Bear "Veckatimest"
Wooden Shjips "Contact"
Wooden Shjips "Dos"
Thee Oh Sees "Help"
Vaselines "Enter The Vaselines"
Francis Harold and the Holograms "Who Said These Were Happy Times"
Iron & Wine "Around the Well"

Also, I've been listening to Alkohol (Sljivovica & Champagne) by Goran Brecovic. It's straight up deck (use term w/ caution) if you're driving somewhere and want to listen to stuff that would make Borat go crazy. No seriously, it's good.

Live review: Art Brut + Unicycle Loves You @ Schubas

2009-06-12T11:39:00.004-05:00

Cozy Lakeview venue Schubas hosted an energetic show Wednesday night in celebration of their 20th anniversary. Part of a five-night Art Brut headlining series, the gig featured locals Unicycle Loves You as a capable opener. Over a 45 minute set, ULY showed that it could easily get the crowd to loosen up. The band’s pop songs ranged from David Bowie-sounding 80’s numbers to twangy California pop-rock. The word is still out on whether Unicycle Loves You has enough ammunition for a longer headlining set, but as a warm-up act it was polished.

Playing the third consecutive night at Schubas probably got eccentric indie punk rockers Art Brut a little bit antsy. With a couple more shows to go until Friday night’s finale, vocalist Eddie Argos looked to spice up the band’s oddball first-person narrative numbers with witty banter. Early on, Argos chatted about Schubas being the site of the band’s first American gig and then enthusiastically introduced his new dance move: The Passenger. This gem is apparently performed by straightening out your hands karate-chop style, bending your elbows 90 degrees, and rotating your arms like the pistons on a locomotive. You can probably get the gist of the rest of the night. Argos spread his arms wide and made flying noises on “Moving to L.A” before confessing that he was moving there. When the crowd disapproved, he reassured everyone that Chicago was his favorite city, but his girlfriend lived in Los Angeles. He also quipped “Listen to me and not your parents” as well as “I’m merely hung over! They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no, no, no.” At one point, the crowd went nuts as Argos jumped off the stage and strayed almost to the back bar while a sound guy frantically pulled on the microphone cord to get him enough slack. Later he divulged that Paris was his favorite city in the world, quickly adding “After Chicago!” and “I’m slowly learning how to sing; let’s see how I do.” After coming back on stage for the encore, Argos joked “We don’t usually do this!” On “Direct Hit” he sang “Everyone do the passenger, it’s a direct hit!” before closing out the night with “Twist And Shout” and “Bang Bang Rock & Roll.”

Live review: Downtown Sound, St. Vincent + Allá at Pritzker Pavilion

2009-06-11T15:44:00.003-05:00

From the TOC blog:

Globally influenced pop rockers Allá opened Monday’s “Downtown Sound” series kickoff to a restrained crowd of passersby and basket-toting picnickers. Anchored by lead singer Lupe Martinez and the Ledezma brothers, the band’s set was an exotic bouillabaisse of spicy Spanish-sung Latin numbers, piquant psych rock jams, and refreshing funk tunes—plus “Church of Anthrax,” a John Cale/Terry Riley tune. As the versatile set continued, people began to make their way down to the Pavilion seats in droves, while a handful of folks left after being put off by the band’s sometimes harder-edged songs. Obviously, this wasn’t a performance fit for the mellower “Music Without Borders” series.

By the time St. Vincent took the stage, the lubricated crowd seemed to be comfortably entrenched in their seats. Opening with “Marry Me,” singer Annie Clark instantly impressed with her smooth pipes and charming stage presence. Flute-backed songs came across as airy and vintage-sounding chamber-pop, while jangly numbers like “Now Now” invoked Arcade Fire’s orc-pop vein. Absorbing lyrics were abundant throughout, like “Your skin’s so fair / It’s not fair” on “Your Lips Are Red” and “Oh my pockets hang out like two surrender flags” on “The Party.” Most noteworthy of all was Clark’s aptitude with the guitar. Clark summoned the prog rock chick within on “Marrow” which found her shredding aggressively. Clark’s assessment of the beautiful Jay Pritzker Pavilion was simply “This place is ridiculous!” but the only thing more ridiculous was her bevy of talents.

Another edition of random Chicago concerts:

2009-06-09T13:40:00.003-05:00

Kid Static + Kitchen Experiment – The Whistler 6/11/09, FREE *Raf's Pick*

Cynical Chicago rhymester Kid Static tiptoes the line between pop appeal sellout and unknown underground virtuoso. The jury is still out on which epithet he will ultimately be labeled with, but his knack for scalding rhymes and jangling, buzzing beats simply rocks–no matter what you end up calling him.

Hillbilly Casino + The Krank Daddies – Reggie’s Rock Club 6/11/09, $12

Nasville rockabilly quartet Hillbilly Casino probably won’t reach the level of success Brian Setzer enjoyed with the Stray Cats, but who cares? The band excels in playing hard-edged wisecrackin’ tunes that would feel right at home in a tricked-out ’58 Chevy or a punk bar jukebox.

The Luck of Eden Hall – Beat Kitchen 6/12/09, $8

Named after a 13^th century glass beaker, local trio The Luck of Eden Hall is an occasionally over-the-top, yet often exceptionally adept psychedelic rock band. Don’t mistake it for a revival act, though. Smoky vocals and ethereal melodies saturate their songs, yet the band somehow avoids sounding like a Jefferson Airplane knockoff.

Decibully + Speck Mountain + Ceiling Stars – Bottom Lounge 6/13/09, $10

Psychedelic folk band Decibully were on the verge of being called up to the big leagues after stringing together two well-received albums (2003’s City Of Festivals and 2005’s Sing Out America!). Four years and a truckload of label issues later, the band is still looking to release their most recent effort: World Travels Fast. Though this Milwaukee band may have some problems outside the studio, their music is a crisp, effortlessly soothing, and cavernously echoing collection of rootsy pop songs.

Live review: Telepathe + Teengirl Fantasy + Aleks and the Drummer @ Empty Bottle

2009-06-08T15:49:00.006-05:00

From the TOC blog:

Aleks Tomaszewska and Deric Criss of the aptly named Aleks and the Drummer took the stage to a sparse yet anxious crowd at the west town music venue Friday night. Sporting knee-high black boots, turquoise tights, and a colorful poncho, the vocalist’s ensemble looked like it simultaneously drew inspiration from Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Clint Eastwood from a Sergio Leone flick. Unfortunately, the duo’s music could not live up to Tomaszewska’s zesty wardrobe. Almost from the get-go, sound issues emerged. The band had difficulty maintaining a high level of energy as the microphone began to crackle and the speakers buzzed obtrusively. It’s a shame really, because the band showed that it can play crisp and hauntingly beautiful music when their equipment wasn’t acting up. Tomaszewska’s strong, yet feminine voice hit impressive notes while Deric furiously yet skillfully pounded away at the drums. Spookily mesmerizing organ fared exceptionally well on songs like “Co Mi Panie Dasz (What Will You Give Me, Sir)” and “Closer,” showcasing the band’s knack for sci-fi sounding songs and captivating minimalism.

By the time Teengirl Fantasy took the stage, the sound problems seemed to have corrected. Logan Takahasi and Nick Weiss quickly launched into a moody, glitchy set that got the crowd loose. Mixing heavy beats and vocal samples, the DJ duo showed that they could just as easily get the party started at a downtown club as a house party. Traces of trance, big hip-hop beats, and house spiced up their set, but tied to a DJ rig, the duo couldn’t manage the animation of a live band.

New York City duo Telepathe was had the most consistent set of the night, blaring breezy lo-fi numbers alongside heavy hitters that poured massive buckets of synth and bass onto the audience. Busy Ganges and Meilssa Livaudais utilized jangly, jittery drum machine beats and start-stop vocals to get the crowd going, as they did when they opened their set with “Chrome’s On It”. The duo’s soft and smooth feminine voices paired well with some songs, yet contrasted with others. Surprisingly, even when the vocals don’t seem to match the beat, they came off as ominous and futuristic like something out of Blade Runner. On “In Your Line,” tribal-sounding drums and and a snappy cymbals oddly complemented each other, just like the laser bursts and 8-bit keyboards and snappy snares scattered throughout the set. In effect, Telepathe’s set proved to be uneven, effortful, and entirely captivating. I’m not sure how this group managed to juggle all of its sounds and instruments while preserving the audience in a state of curious awe but the massive amounts of synth and bottomless bass that shook the venue walls sure had something to do with it.

Live review: Nine Inch Nails + Street Sweeper Social Club @ Northerly Island

2009-06-05T15:28:00.006-05:00

Northerly Island is a good place to see a show. It gets cold, and it's a pain to get to unless you ride a bike, but the skyline and soldier field are a great backdrop to industrial rock music. As posted on the TOC blog, here's the NIN review:

Taking the stage to the “Imperial March” theme from Star Wars, opener Street Sweeper Social Club immediately sparked the crowd into a curious frenzy. Fronted by the Coup’s Boots Riley and backed by Rage Against the Machine/Audioslave guitarist Tom Morello, the band seemed to brim with potential. But after a 37-minute set, the Libertyville High School grad’s new band felt like little more than RATM’s redheaded stepchild. It’s not that I’m frustrated with yet another reincarnation of the rap-rock behemoth—the brick-heavy guitar riffs and fierce rhymes worked great on upbeat songs such as “100 Little Curses” and a rendition of MIA’s “Paper Planes.” But slower numbers felt stagnant. The weak link here may be Riley, whose smooth lyricism and swagger is more compatible with turntables than a rock band.

Nine Inch Nails, however, seemed to fire on all cylinders. The industrial electro-instrumental brainchild of Trent Reznor played a 105-minute sensory-assaulting set. True to form, NIN employed massive smoke machines and a cutting-edge light setup. Backed by the Chicago skyline, this was truly one of the boldest light shows I have seen. The seething crowd seemed to agree; crowd surfing had already broken out by the third song, “Heresy,” setting the tone for the remainder of the evening. Cuts featuring aggressive machine-gun percussion, heavy synth and stentorian vocals blared to epilepsy-inducing strobe lights that were beautifully balanced by gloomy, dramatic numbers displaying Reznor’s signature brutal whisper-scream style and deft, soaring piano solos. Reznor maintains his pop sensibility through it all, saving his brooding electro from drowning in nihilistic drones. He even cracked wise, joking to the crowd that he thought he’d shagged someone from the front row in his trailer, then asking if it was in fact the dude with a mustache. Less a few disgruntled fans bemoaning the omission of “Closer,” most of us left Northerly Island sporting an ear-to-ear smile.

Totally random concerts - Thursday/Friday edition

2009-06-04T14:06:00.002-05:00

So, who's performing this weekend? Well, overall it's not a great week for concerts. Art Brut is at Schubas for 5 nights, and Aleks and the Drummer will be at Empty Bottle on Friday. Here's some other random shows to see:

Matthew Santos @LaSalle Power Co. – 6/4/09, FREE
Though the hype from performing on Lupe Fiasco’s The Cool may have waned a bit by now, Matthew Santos should continue to make a name for him self. Contriving catchy balladry seems natural for the former Columbia College grad, who skillfully alternates between slow crooning and volcanic belting.

Tech N9ne + MURS + B-Leave + Ignited + Brimmstone @ The Pearl Room – 6/4/09, $25
Versatile Kansas City rapper Tech N9ne rolls through Mokena on this tour hyping his most recent release, Sickology 101. Showcasing ferocious lyrics as well as nervy electro beats, his jams are usually a welcome deviation, however slight, from the tired gangster rap formula. MURS, however may be the one stealing this show. Last year’s MURS for President debuted to good reviews and featured a smooth, crisp mid-90s urban groove seasoned with occasionally raw and introspective lyricism.

The Differents + The Safes + The Handcuffs @ Abbey Pub – 6/5/09, $10
A little bit Modest Mouse and a little bit Phish, alt-rock jammers The Differents like to play kinetic, unhinged rock while guitarist Andy Prezkop dishes out head-bending licks with a lead foot right on the distortion pedal.

*Raf's pick*
Land of Lincoln + The Glide + The Help Desk @ Bottom Lounge – 6/5/09, $8
“I’m tired of this place,” Land of Lincoln’s Scott Wentland belts into the microphone on “This Place”. Well, the nice thing is that his band seamlessly juggles heavier blues-rock influences with a taut pop sensibility, allowing him to dabble in pop and rock songs like it’s a quick drive down the street.

Chicago Record Store Roundup - 06/02/09

2009-06-03T18:48:00.002-05:00

So, what's selling around town in the Chicago record stores? Well, I made some phone calls yesterday and found out that it's a lot of different stuff depending on the neighborhood. Grizzly Bear is killing it, and for good reason. It's a pretty good record. Also, apparently whoever shops at the Loop location of Reckless Records is a weirdo. Big Knife cassettes? Faggot 7"? If you want the Eminem album, go to Best Buy because the staff at Reckless will scoff at you.

Laurie’s Planet of Sound (4639 N Lincoln Ave., 773-271-3569)
1. Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest (Warp)
2. Jarvis Cocker – Further Complications (Rough Trade)
3. Iron & Wine – Around the Well (Sub Pop)
4. VEE DEE – Public Mental Health System (Criminal IQ)
5. The Vaselines – Enter The Vaselines (Sub Pop)
6. King Khan and the Shrines – The Supreme Genius of King Khan and the Shrines (Vice)
7. The Coathangers – Scramble (Suicide Squeeze)
8. Steve Earl – Townes (New West)
9. Blank Dogs – Under and Under (In The Red)
10. Death - …for the Whole World to See (Drag City)

Reckless Records, Loop (26 E. Madison, 312-795-0878)
1. J Dilla – Jay Stay Paid (Nature Sounds)
2. Elvis Costello – Secret, Profane, & Sugarcane (Hear Music)
3. The Notes & Scratches – this Side & the Other Side 7” (Whistler)
4. Three Cheers For One Dead Man – 7”
5. Big Knife – cassette
6. Big Business – Mind The Drift (Hydra Head)
7. Faggot – Faggot 7”(Profane Existence)
8. Iron & Wine – Around the Well (Sub Pop)
9. Rodriguez – Coming from Reality (Light In The Attic)
10. Modest Mouse – Satellite Skin 7” (Epic)

Jazz Record Mart (27 E Illinois St, 312-222-1467)
1. Miles Davis – Kind of Blue (Columbia)
2. John Coltrane – A Love Supreme (Impulse!)
3. Charles Mingus – Mingus Ah Um (Columbia/Legacy)
4. The Dave Brubeck Quartet – Take Five (Columbia/Legacy)
5. Charles Earland – Black Talk! (Original Jazz Classics)
6. Junior Wells – Hoodoo Man Blues (Delmark)
7. Magic Sam – West Side Soul (Delmark)
8. Various – It Ain’t Over: Delmark Celebrates 55 Years of Blues (Delmark)
9. Josh Berman – Old Idea (Delmark)
10. Diana Krall – Quiet Nights (Verve)

Gramaphone Records (2843 N. Clark St., 773-472-3683)
CDs:
1. Osunlade - Mix the Vibe (King Street Sounds)
2. Hot Chip - A Bugged Out Mix (New State)
3. Larry Tee - Club Badd (Ultra)
4. Mordant Music / Shackleton - Picking O’er the Bones (Mordant)
5. Deetron - Fuse Presents Deetron (Music Man)

LPs:
1. Tiga- Ciao! (Different)
2. Dorian Concept-When Planets Explode (Nod Navigators)
3. Alaska & Paradox- Isolationist (Paradox)
4. Foreign Exchange- Leave it All Behind (Hard Boiled)
5. Prefuse 73- Everything She Touched Turned Ampexian (Warp)
6. Grizzly Bear- Veckatimest (Warp)
7. Various- Dub Echos (Soul Jazz)

12″s:
1. Jamie Finch- Jack that Big Booty (Let’s Pet Puppies)
2. Billie Jewell w/Peven Everett- Music
3. J’m Strap / Juan Pablo / Lektroluxe - The Owl in the Daylight (Frigio)

Odd things my roommate said: Vol. 1

2009-05-20T12:02:00.003-05:00

[Me] “I want to eat a Taco Bell salad.”
[Roomie] “I want Taco Bell to eat my salad.”

“Look at that girl in the Starbucks. She's hot. Her pussy probably smells like coffee.”

“Thumb fucking is the new finger banging.”

“Sit on my face!” (Repeated two dozen times every single day. Also said to family members.)

[Me – hung over] “How do you feel?”
[Roomie – hung over] “I feel like someone shit on my chest.”

“I want an HJ (hand job) next to the dumpster in the alley right now.”

Some totally random Chicago concerts:

2009-05-12T17:45:00.001-05:00

District 97 + Vertikal - Schubas 5/21/09
This band’s concoction of bleating prog-rock and nu-metal sounds a bit like a slowed-down Rush—as if they moved into a retirement home and smoked some pot. If District 97 were a neighborhood, it would definitely be a bad one. Think roving packs of rabid dogs, boarded up houses, and tumbleweed.

Nyco + Mike Maimone + The Saturn Project – Beat Kitchen 5/21/09
Nyco’s breezy pop sounds just like the nondescript James Blunt-sounding tunes you hear on 101.9 while sitting in traffic. You may not remember what the song was called, but you’ll be using the steering wheel for a bongo and the melody will be stuck in your head all the way to work.

Scatteredtrees + Beckon Q + Kevin Andrew Prchal – Bottom Lounge 5/21/09
Local five-piece Scatteredtrees gained momentum after appearing on a Starbuck’s mix CD. They’re no Bon Iver, but should win over some fans with their low-key acoustic dexterity and lead vocalist Nate Eiesland’s cooing.

Certain People I Know + Big Science – Schubas 5/22/09
Former Hey Mercedes members Damon Atkinson and Bob Nanna do the pop rock thing with their new band, which was named after a Morrissey single. Also playing is Big Science, whose ethereal hooks and The Killers-like vocals will stick with you like a barnacle.

Empires + Company of Thieves + American Taxi + Thrillage – Bottom Lounge 5/22/09
Empires conjures up a variety of poppy influences to sound something like a Jimmy Eat World and Fall Out Boy soufflé with an edge (or hot sauce). Chicago art-pop rockers Company of Thieves are so catchy, even their songs titled after Victorian-era playwrights (Oscar Wilde) sound downright cool.

Friday Night Fever + Phantom of the Cineplex – Beat Kitchen 5/23/09
No, this isn’t a bell-bottoms toting disco cover band. It’s worse. Friday Night Fever’s members are purveyors of emo-fueled sonic torture and sport mildly amusing 80s gym class garb. Regardless, a legion of hot girls is almost guaranteed to show up.

Frontiers – House of Blues 5/23/09
Progressive instrumental rockers Frontiers hit all the right notes when it comes to concocting a general aura of creepiness and psychedelic paranoia. That’s a good thing.

Strange Design + Dr. Don and the Boogie Monsters – Abbey Pub 5/24/09
So maybe you’re really into Phish but, like, they won’t be at Alpine Valley until like late June, dude. No worries, Strange Desing will cure the fever. Smoke enough drugs and this cover band will make you stop jonesing Phish’s jam band grooves for now.

A Letter from Mario

2009-05-06T20:35:00.002-05:00

Hey. It’s me Mario. Fuck’s up. I just got back from traveling to exciting and mesmerizing lands populated by killer turtles. Yeah it was great. Actually, no it wasn’t. Quite frankly I’m fucking tired of this bull shit. Every time I save Princess Toadstool, that stupid bitch, she just goes and gets kidnapped again by King Bowser. What the fuck? Lock your doors or whatever. Do you think I like jumping into shady sewer pipes, eating psychedelic mushrooms, and banging my head against bricks all day? No. No I don’t. Oh sure, it was fun those first couple of times on Nintendo, but by the time we got to N64 I was really burned out.

Especially since that bitch never puts out. I’m jumping over fucking rivers of lava here. Lava! Mutant boomerang-throwing turtles are trying to take my fucking head off and all I get is a half-hearted hand job behind the castle. Fuck that.
You know what the worst part about all these bullshit adventures is? I can’t find cigarettes anywhere. No, wait, that’s the second worst part. The worst part is the god damn pits. I swear nothing will ruin your day faster than a bottomless abyss. You’re running along, jumping on turtles and throwing fireballs like a dexterous motherfucker and one tiny mistimed jump leads you to fall endlessly into oblivion. I fucking hate that. I’d much rather get shot by cannon or get eaten by a giant sewer pipe plant. Anything is better than jumping into a fucking pit.

I wish one day I could just get an AK-47 and shoot all these motherfucking turtles in their domes. Quite frankly, fireballs and raccoon tails just don’t get the job done anymore. How about some armor piercing rounds fired from a Russian assault rifle? Yes, I think that would do the job. No more jumping on Bowser’s head. I just want to pour boxes of bullets into this bastard and kill him dead. Maybe then I’d be able to go back to being a plumber instead of some nutcase who runs around collecting gold coins in underground caves.

Anyone have a cigarette?

Bored at work. Slow day.

2009-03-28T17:49:00.004-05:00

At this point, Daley needs to play the wild card in order to fix the city.

The Best Album of 2008

2009-01-08T12:39:00.002-06:00

Voltaire once said something about God being a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. In a truly ironic turn of events, the artists that compiled my two favorite albums of 2008 (Youth Novels by Lykke Li and Hold on Now, Youngster by Los Campesinos!) will be simultaneously performing in Chicago on Feb. 7th, 2009 at the Logan Square Auditorium and Metro. In effect, my decision of which concert I will attend became intertwined with picking my favorite album of the year. After much internal debate, I decided that the catchy, delicate crooning of Lykke Li just couldn't live up to the teeming energy of Los Campesinos! After all, I haven't heard an album quite like Hold on Now, Youngster in years. For one, the song titles are very bizarre, often rivaling the titles of elaborate papers in a scientific monthly. The seven members of Los Campesinos!, who met at Cardiff University in Wales, have released an album that is absolutely packed with musical influences. Hold on Now, Youngster features quirky, humorous lyrics about such topics as Spiderman, list-making, and poor dancing skills that sound markedly like indie pop. On the other hand, the album has so much emotion and vulnerability it bursts with punk and garage band energy. It's such a blazingly quick listen, it never quite lets me catch my breath. The barrage of guitars, violins, bells, keys, and even glockenspiels splashes into my eardrums like a tidal wave, leaving me to gather myself for a minute before embarking on another listen. Hold on Now, Youngster contains a mélange of clever, refined, and catchy songs that are punctuated with exultant choruses and induce flashbacks of younger, simpler times. There's a lot here, in this album. The harshest critics may deem this effort as a grizzly shooting spree of meaningless and corny pop songs, but I believe Los Campesinos! have created a sound that sticks with you like a barnacle.

It's Always Sunny home video

2008-10-09T13:29:00.002-05:00

I made this wonderful little clip while killing time on the FX website. Check it out.

NASA Discovers Stupid Space Thing While Millions Of Africans Starve To Death

2008-05-20T09:51:00.006-05:00

Recently, I read an article on drudgereport.com about NASA announcing the end of a 50 year search. A news conference was being streamed online that same day to unveil the exciting new discovery. It did not turn out to be Cybertron, the Transformers’ home world, as I predicted. Instead, it was a 100-year-old supernova. It was the youngest ever discovered and all sorts of nerds were very excited. Before the news conference, I wrote this little bit about what NASA could have possibly found:

After Fifty Years, NASA Finally Finds What It Has Been Looking For

In a dramatic and historical turn of events, NASA’s top scientists have finally ended a fifty-year search for an elusive target. NASA spokesman George Cooley has recently revealed that NASA has found “it,” and “it’s been right in front of our eyes the entire time.” “All these years, we’ve been staring into enormous telescopes, building massive space shuttles, and searching the depths of the galaxy for God-knows-what. Yet, after experiencing a moment of clarity when listening to Stevie Wonder records, we’ve decided that it’s not about ‘that,’ it’s about you and me and us.” Cooley went on to add that NASA will stop wasting its time and now focus on spending time with their families, as well as enjoying crackerjacks at the ball game, and taking that trip to Vermont they have been putting off. “You know when the sun shines on a flowery meadow, and at that moment everything is perfect and whole and the universe is in place? Well, that’s how we feel and we finally believe that after 50 years, we’ve found it,” said aerospace engineer Dan Reibenbacher. However, he also added that he is sad because U2’s “I still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” will no longer have the same emotional impact. Especially when he listens to it while cooking dinner for himself in his well-furnished, yet unnecessarily large and uninviting condo.

A Day At The Onion

2008-03-31T01:39:00.010-05:00

First, check out this video of me eating crickets.

(Scroll down to first video.)

I currently intern at The Onion’s A.V. Club. It’s an interesting office. For years, The Onion has been leader in the industry and a stalwart of inquisitive journalism. Award winning stories include: "Special Olympics T-ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game,” “Drugs Win War On Drugs,” and “30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash.” The A.V. Club is a bit more serious, providing insightful reviews of books, music, film, and restaurants. I like to think of the office as mainly divided between “suits” and “writers.” “Suits” have offices with luxuries such as doors and a window, which apparently allows access to natural light. They do important stuff that allows The Onion and A.V. Club to operate. “Writers” sit at desks and fuel their creativity through the rejuvenating energy of fluorescent lighting. They review sketch comedy shows, interview celebrities, and educate readers about emerging local bands. However, the office is not as wild and crazy as most would think. Employees do not spend the majority of their day shooting each other with piss-filled Super Soakers. As far as the environment, employees generally avoid respectable “business casual” attire by wearing flannel or jean shorts in the middle of winter. F bombs are occasionally dropped, and lewd comments can be overheard after a hilarious taste test of sex-drive-jump-starting chocolate syrup. As an intern, I reside in the back of the office and utilize outdated Macs to complete simple tasks while attempting to overlook the fact that I am not getting paid.

I engage in some small talk, or chit-chat if you prefer. After checking my email I get started on scouring the internet for information on upcoming concerts and live music in order to populate the weekly calendar of events. Either that or I transcribe interviews with celebrities such as Ice Cube or Michael K Williams. It was funny when RJD2 said that "most cultures in the world don't have a separate word for music and dance."

I drink coffee and take a piss a couple of times. I have also researched insanely unimportant topics for the Ask The A.V. Club column. Outside of the office, I go to different restaurants around the city, eat some food, snap some photos, and write up a short restaurant listing that gets published in the back of the paper.

Sometimes I take part in taste tests, which is pretty fun. Some of the tested items include chili-flavored chocolate, ginger-flavored mints, bacon-flavored mints, and cheeseburger-in-a-can.

Crickets were probably the most exciting so far. Again, you can check out a video here.

I love some of the comments people left on the website after watching the video:

To the male intern: get a fucking hair cut ya damn hippie.
HEY ALL YOU HOT AVCLUB STAFFERS ADD ME ON MYSPACE
THE FEMALE ONES I MEAN NOT THAT JAMES BLUNT LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER WHO TALKS LIKE HES ALWAYS ASKING A QUESTION
OK, First Male Taste-Tester. You are gorgeous. You should come to Madison and marry me.

Ridiculous. That’s all I have to say.

Also, I love checking out the refrigerator in the break room because it has those little magnets with different words on them that people can rearrange in order to form humorous sentences. These are some of my favorites:

[obese][man][makes plea for][tastier][children]

[under pressure][by][world][,][congress][apologizes for][president Bush][&][announces][giant][inflatable][senate]

[robotic][troops][developmentally][pathetic]

[office][Asian][down][right][white]

[Kazakhstan][tastes][terrible][with][drugs]

[Surgeon General][breaks up with][white house]

[mom][of][teen][to revolutionize][abortion]

That’s pretty much it. I wish Dwight Schrute worked here.

Kramerica Industries

2008-03-11T00:22:00.004-05:00

Craigslist is a popular site. It allows people to easily reach thousands when in need of an employee, a futon, or Bears tickets. Unfortunately, things don’t always function how they were originally intended. The internet was supposed to be a wonderful source of knowledge and a catalyst for information networking. However, it has mainly devolved into a marketplace for pills that purport to increase the size of male genitalia, a stockpile of illegally acquired music, and a collection of Taylor Rain butt sex videos. Seriously though, how does this girl even take a shit anymore? Her butt hole is dilated to the circumference of a loaf of bread. Does she shit baseballs? I’m surprised fecal matter doesn’t roll down the back of her leg and onto the sidewalk when she walks down the street. It’s probably like tossing a hot dog down the hallway back there.

Regardless, Craigslist has its share of ridiculous listings. The personals section is a sick sex trade center where homosexuals attempt to find other desperate and careless men to have meaningless butt-poking sessions with. Also, Craigslist attracts troglodytes who attempt to obtain employees/interns to perform menial and unrewarding tasks for little to no pay. I come across these listings often, and sometimes I feel like I need to vent and send them an offensive email. I came across this particular listing:

I'm a law student and getting pretty bored with my work. So, I'm looking for an intern to help me with some homework. The work will consist of reading law cases and statutes, and then providing summaries (preferably in IRAC format).

Compensation: While there is no monetary compensation, this internship will provide invaluable insight into the hells of being a law student. Also I often eat candy and will occasionally throw a skittle or starburst you way.

Of course, I replied:

I can not believe that you are actually attempting to have an intern do your law school work for you. This isn't a Seinfeld episode, and I hope that you fail out of school and become a janitor. What the hell is wrong with people today?

This is actually pretty funny. It immediately reminded me of Kramer and his NYU intern attempting to develop a safety bladder for oil tankers. Kramerica Industries was ahead of its time. The best part is that someone actually replied to this listing. I know this because she is featured on this guy’s blog, along with my self:

http://readingisnofun.blogspot.com/2008/02/craigs-list.html

Everybody is on crack.

Ridiculous Advice Column #24

2008-03-03T00:32:00.017-06:00

They say that good advice is worth paying for. In today’s complicated world, good advice can mean the difference between pushing papers in a cubicle for a decade and that promotion you’ve been looking for. Well, I figured since Cormac McCarthy is so gosh-darn clever, he could provide us with some great advice. He knows a boatload of big words and won a Pulitzer Prize without even using proper punctuation. Bomar. Unfortunately, seeing as he is a total recluse, he was unavailable. Therefore, we asked his book, The Road, for some advice.

Hello, The Road. I recently met this hip, artsy guy at the hottest club in town. He bought me a bunch of yummy drinks and we had this totally awesome conversation about how much I loooove Justin Timberlake and Gucci handbags. He was such a good listener and the drinks were so yummy! He took me back to his place that night and I slept with him. It was so romantic! I had to leave early in the morning though because he had to pick up his dog from the groomer and he hasn’t called me since. I thought he really liked me, what should I do?

The soft black talc blew through the streets like squid ink uncoiling along a sea floor and the cold crept down the steep canyons with their torches trod silky holes in the drifted ash that closed behind them silently as eyes. Out on the roads the pilgrims sank down and fell over and died and the bleak and shrouded earth went trundling past the sun and returned again as trackless and as unremarked as the path of any nameless sisterworld in the ancient dark beyond.

I’m sad.

What up, The Road. I’ve been blasting my biceps for months now and they just don’t seem to be getting ripped enough. I’ve been eating nothing but egg whites, grilled chicken, and Myoplex. I only listen to death metal because it’s brutal and it gets me hyped up. Still, I want to be more jacked. Should I go tanning more?

No, I’m speaking the truth. Sooner or later they will catch us and they will kill us. They are going to rape us and kill us and eat us and you wont face it. You’d rather wait for it to happen. But I cant. I cant. She sat there smoking a slender length of dried grapevine as if it were some rare cheroot. Holding it with a certain elegance, he other hand across her knees where she’d drawn them up. She watched him across the small flame. We used to talk about death, she said. We don’t any more.

Brutal.

OMG, The Road. All I want from my parents is an iPhone. They never get me anything cool and everyone has one. I don’t want to look like a loser when Jenny Foster and her friends play with their iPhones at lunch and all I have is my stupid Sidekick. Ugh! How do I get my parents to get me an iPhone?

-You ain’t got but two shells. Maybe just one. And they’ll hear the shot.
Yes they will. But you wont.
-How do you figure that?
Because the bullet travels faster than sound. It will be in your brain before you can hear it. To hear it you will need a frontal lobe and things with names like colliculus and temporal gyrus and you wont have them anymore. They’ll just be soup.

Ewwwww.

Greetings, The Road. I’m a vegan, I only wear hemp clothing, and I plant trees on Saturdays. I’ve stopped showering and I only wash myself with a wet cloth now. Yet, I still feel like I can somehow reduce my ecological footprint. How can I help save the planet from Republicans?

They were signs in gypsy language, lost patterns. The first he’d seen in some while, common in the north, leading out of the looted and exhausted cities, hopeless messages to loved ones lost and dead. By then all stores of food had given out and murder was everywhere upon the land. The world soon to be largely populated by men who would eat your children in front of your eyes and the cities themselves held by cores of blackened looters who tunneled among the ruins and crawled from the rubble white of tooth and eye carrying charred and anonymous tins of food in nylon nets like shoppers in the commissaries of hell.

I’m going to hang myself.

The Best Worst Band Names

2008-02-22T14:35:00.009-06:00

As some of you may know, I currently intern at The Onion's A.V. Club . It's an interesting place. Unfortunately, interning isn't always so glamorous. One of the activities Elissa (another intern) and I dabble in is finding ridiculous band names and jotting them down. Eventually, Elissa came up with the idea that we should make a poll and have a band names death match. A band name Wrestlemania of sorts. Well, here it is.

View this quiz on Quibblo
More quizzes on Quibblo

Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal!

2008-01-16T19:24:00.000-06:00

The holidays are over. Thank God I survived. For most people, Christmas and New Years are a time of celebration, drunkenly awkward office parties, and exchanging currency for material possessions. These objects are then wrapped in glossy paper adorning ridiculous images of bloody-nosed reindeer, abstractly rendered fat men in red suits, and a variety of psychedelic patterns involving snowmen and Christmas trees that can leave even the most hardened alcoholic’s head spinning like Michelle Kwan performing The Vagina Monologues On Ice.

I wonder how they celebrate Christmas in prison. Do they have secret Santa over at Joliet or San Pedro? Do Rico and Fast Eddie exchange shanks patiently fabricated from soap and human shit in the lonely tenebrosity of night and then whetted to a sharp point? Or do they just get hammered off of “fine” toilet aged wine and then partake in sodomy?

Well that’s neither here nor there. The point is that I do not like the holidays very much. Sure, it is fun getting zonked off of eggnog with my creepy uncles. Yet my Grandma needs a present and it is not fun aimlessly rummaging through endless piles of overpriced wicker baskets and scented candles at such establishments as Crap and Barrel and Queer One Imports.

I also don’t like the sense of guilt that creeps up after I do something I normally feel perfectly fine doing. For fifty weeks a year, I feel perfectly fine avoiding the homeless like they’re Tonya Harding’s crony at a piñata party. Yet, for those two weeks in December I feel like I’m somehow partially responsible for their rampant drug use, relentless laziness, and generally derelict appearance. It’s downright un-American for me to feel distressed about the misfortune of others.

The worst thing about the holidays is that Christmas songs which I once associated with warm fires, pretty snowflakes, and wonderful presents now remind me of depressing memories of being broke, blistering cold weather, perpetual darkness, and drunkenness. This may not seem like a big deal, but now every time I listen to Winter Wonderland it reminds me of stumbling through the liquor aisle at Jewel at 6 in the afternoon with nothing else but a carton of eggnog and a bottle of brandy, all the while dragging mud behind me and sporting a ridiculously hideous Christmas sweater that looks like it came from Cliff Huxtable’s closet. I don’t even want to get started on the flashbacks I get from Neil Diamond: The Christmas Album.

The College Intern

2007-12-10T03:37:00.000-06:00

There are a lot of things that suck, have sucked, and in the future will suck. Living in crappy little village in northern England in 1304 sucked. It was cold, it rained all damn day, the women were fat and ugly, there was no dentist around, and everyone was tied down to the land because of serfdom. Yeah England kind of still sucks, but back then, you couldn’t even watch Manchester United games on a plasma TV! You couldn’t even go on the internet during work to look up paparazzi photos of Victoria Beckham. Kinda sucked.

Catching elephant crap in a bag also sucks. I’ll tell you what else sucks. Being an intern sucks. It sucks more than Monica Lewinsky at a Motel 8 nearby a Democratic National Committee convention. After all the complaining Americans do about China’s work conditions, we pull off some shady shit ourselves. It’s called interning. An intern is usually a college student, a demographic not usually known for its vast financial resources. He may even be going to an insanely overpriced private college like Loyola (“screwing you since 1870”). He purchases somewhat expensive garments in order to work at a position that provides no financial benefits. He buys several ties, because they easily fall into a red Solo cup and soak up beer during keggers after work. Or they catch gyro juice at the grimy hamburger place at 3 in the morning. Plus, an intern usually works for free.

I mean, working for free? Didn’t they call this slavery back in the day? Even worse, the work is usually of the mind-numbing, soul-sucking, coma-inducing sort: The modern American office environment and all its glory. One basks under the humming fluorescent lights slowly morphing into an automaton, performing paper cut-inducing tasks ad infinitum.

However, getting the internship does not simply mean long hours of coffee breath, small talk with cubicle jockeys, performing daily hygiene, and alcoholism. You can get school credit. But school credits cost money. So you have to pay the school. For giving you credit. For working for free. You have to pay… to work.

This is insane. This should be illegal. Right now, there’s hundred of CEOs swimming around in their pools of gold coins. All the while, the coffee fetching and faxing that runs their companies is being performed by slave labor. Well, I hope those CEOs drown in their money pools. Being an unpaid intern sucks something fierce.

Hiring?

2007-12-06T15:43:00.000-06:00

I'm broke. I need a job. I don't understand why this has to be so difficult. Maybe it's my cover letter:

Dear Mr. Manager,

Are you looking for someone who is more concerned about what he can do for the company rather than what the company can do for him? Someone who will work for you instead of just putting in time?

Well that's not me. I'll steal your shit, harass the secretaries, intimidate the interns, and reek of booze at all times. My Loyola degree is piece of toilet paper and I'll eventually bring a gun to work and shoot you.

Sincerely,

Raf
B.A. Loyola University Chicago
Political Science & International Studies

Anyone hiring?

Crazy Gym Teacher

2007-11-11T21:58:00.000-06:00

I had a gym teacher in high school. His name was Mr. Mann. Everyone has had a Mr. Mann as a teacher in one way or another. You know the one. He was the one who seemed to tiptoe on the edge of sanity. He kept it together during the day just long enough to make it back home, where he cooled off by feeding thawed hamburger meat to his baby alligators while drinking cans of Old Style and blasting Jefferson Airplane records. Mr. Mann dealt with high school kids like he had ice running through his veins. When I was a senior, he was less than a year from retirement. Nothing short of a Vietnam War flashback could make him flinch. Yeah, he was in ‘Nam. How do I know? I asked him. I asked him after one gym period, days before his retirement, he made my class play “war rules” dodge ball. With a subtle smirk on his face, he explained to us that there were no such things as boundaries or “out of bounds”. The court lines were irreverent. Head shots were kill shots. Fuck safety. No one would come back in to the game because it was impossible to raise the dead. Catching a ball was the equivalent to catching a grenade before it exploded. It didn’t do no good unless you wanted to turn your guts into confetti. Also, if you got hit in the arm, it was incapacitated and you had to tuck it in to your shirt. If it was a leg, you would have to hop around on the other. If both were blown off, you dragged yourself on the ground. Also, a blackboard on wheels was brought in to serve as a movable shield by tenacious attackers and patient defenders alike.

Maybe Mr. Mann had something going here. I thought about that after I found out he was in ‘Nam. In a world where kids sit in front of a computer screen for hours and feed themselves via drive through windows while text messaging, maybe this was a small taste of Lord of The Flies type savagery that makes us human in the first place. Yeah, maybe he cut through all that district referendum bull shit and finally let the kids battle it out with no rules. Maybe. Or maybe he was losing it. After all, who gets a knack from seeing kids attempt to drag themselves on the ground without using their arms or legs, while getting pelted in the face with red rubbery dodge balls? Fucking Mr. Mann, that’s who.

If I were to be an animal...

2007-03-23T13:22:00.000-05:00

If I were to be an animal, I would be Paris Hilton’s dog Tinkerbell. I would take pride in knowing that my life would be so extravagant, I lived in better conditions than the entire African continent. Constantly gussied up in Louis Vuitton and fine fragrances, I would act bitchier than an Ivy League sorority girl. Grown men would have to pick up my feces wherever I wished to relieve myself. I would never even attempt to “sit” or “lay down” and I would carelessly bite the hands of news reporters if they tried to pet me with their offensive, putrid hands. Most importantly, I would walk in to Paris’s bedroom at night and watch her have sex with random strangers, before the video went online.

Fun with song lyrics!

2007-03-23T13:06:00.000-05:00

Here's a song I wrote about my buddy Rob. It's pretty sweet.

Rob, Rob, Rob
He is a fucking slob
Ashtrays, spit chew, crabs, and feces
These things remind me of Rob’s life and its shattered little pieces
Rob’s a diseased individual, he never carries condoms
This is just the tip of the iceberg for his problems
He shits black poop and spits up stomach acid
He pounds cheap booze until his penis becomes flaccid

Rob, Rob, Rob
Why don’t you get in a bathtub?
Rob’s crotch is gross and resembles a chili-cheese dog
I think I smell it now, curdling like month old eggnog
Yet, the clap-having jezebels never seem to notice
That when he’s naked he looks just like a porpoise
Always coughing, snorting, or toying with the powder
The girls who sleep with him just lay there like a flounder
And when sobriety hits they search Rob’s trash for the rest of their clothing
Yet are greeted by the sound of Rob hacking up a lung oyster at nine in the morning

Chaka chaka chaka chaka chaka chhh chhh chhh chhh heyyyyy
Royyyyballllll, Royyyyballllll
Let’s settle this once and for all
Your teeth are busted, you make me disgusted
The scars on your forehead mean you were almost aborted
Whether obese, diseased, horned, or inebriated
Like Pokemon, you gotta catch them all
Until one day you’ll get your dick amputated

Then this was Rob's response, though he was blacked out drunk when he wrote this:

Raf's a d-bag,
he can't do anything, he's a slag.
The best thing to ever happen to this polak,
is that girl. The one with the BEST rack.
He smells like my socks, and eats poop,
Raf loves a TON of cocks in convertibles or coops.
He's really gay. He likes boys. We should beat his ass.
What to say? No fun cuz he loves sex toys. He loves to bang fish, balls deep in bass.
Charlie Sheen is the shit and EMILIO is the bomb.
RAf likes anal reeming and to suck dick all night long.
Heino hates you, so keep hoping hard.
The closest you'll is the urine smelling retard,
Good Luck buddy, you'll need it.
So I hope my dick hurts and you eat shit.

Also, here's another song about Rob, this time by Ashley.

roybalriffic, the ADG
likes the pussy and nose candy
preys on freshmen cuz they're nice and ripe
"bitch he dont like you, he's just tryin to lay the pipe"
but somehow they fall into your trap
and you give em a lil tap tap tap
but, when your drunk ass wakes up the next mo'nin
and u look over to see the chick you've been bonin
she's roughly the size of a killer whale
suddenly ur face goes pale
and you wonder what the hell you were thinking
the night before when heavily drinking
ahh fuck it you say as you light a butt
its not ur fault that she's a fat slut
tonite's a new night of debauchery and sin
and you will do this all over again
cuz ur rob fuckin roybal the ADG
the badass playa with an STD

Wasn't all of that fun, kids! See, music is great!

In retrospect, by O.J. Simpson

2007-03-23T09:37:00.000-05:00

You know, everything would be fine if the police didn’t chase my white Ford Bronco down the freeway that day. I guess it was a rare lapse in judgment. All those helicopters! Cameras everywhere watching, judging, watching, judging. My lawyer said to “Deny, deny, deny!” It’s just so hard to stop once you’ve started. Yeah the damn glove kind of fit, but what the hell could I say? That bastard Kato Kaelin was always snooping around because he never had work to do. So what if I lied a couple of times, it’s not like I killed anyone…

Date Application

2005-10-30T16:03:00.002-06:00

Apply for a date with Raf

Raf is smart, funny, and relatively good-looking. By applying for a date online, you can avoid:
-clingy girls at bars trying to buy him drinks
-your "friends" trying to "protect" you
-Raf's ridiculous, yet effective, pick-up lines

How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?

How would you rate yourself in terms of emotional maturity and stability?

How much does it take to get you drunk?

How attractive do you think you are?

What is most attractive about Raf?

Where do you want to go for a date?

What is your most defining feature or characteristic?

What should Raf wear

What do we do after the date?

This quiz was

Most importantly, make sure to send your score to pirateyarrr@yahoo.com along with:

-name
-pic
-age
-location

Feel free to try to seduce me. Thank you for applying.